Blog #34: Review of Captain Marvel

 First of all, I LOVE the way they changed the opening logo to showcase all of Stan Lee's cameos in all the MCU movies. What a great sendoff to the greatest storyteller of all time.

This movie is a much-needed shout-out to girl power. While most females included in comic book movies are relegated to glorified sidekicks, damsels in distress and/or nursemaids to their male counterparts, Carol Danvers shoves guys into the back seat and tells them to sit down, strap in, and shut up! She makes it abundantly clear throughout the movie that she doesn't need saving and, let's be honest here -- she's right! From her unrelenting questioning (or outright ignoring) of any form of authority to her saving the future badass Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. himself (multiple times!), Brie Larson throws typical tropes on their heads and then kicks them out the airlock! This movie makes it clear that, if not for her, there would have been neither a Nick Fury or an Avengers Initiative as we have come to know and Love them.

So, this movie is your typical origin story. Brie Larson plays "Vers," an amnesiac soldier in the Kree Star Force. She's got powers that she doesn't quite understand, apparently obtained in the dim past she cannot remember. Sent on a mission to locate an undercover agent, she's taken captive by the Skrull and has her brain pumped for information on a one Dr. Wendy Lawson and something called "Pegasus." She breaks loose, kicks a lot of Skrull ass and ends up crashlanding on Planet C-53 (90's-era Earth, 1995 to be exact) where she tries to find a way to stop the Skrull from getting their hands on light speed technology that would allow them to invade entire galaxies. Hijinks ensue, betrayals are discovered, and Vers comes into her own, ending the movie fully embracing her destiny as one of the most powerful beings in the Universe, destined to bitchslap Thanos a few good times before the end of End Game.

Personally, I think Brie Larson was born for this role. She is eminently believable as a badass, exudes a charismatic confidence and sly humour not often seen in female leads, and manages to pull off the difficult task of being cheeky without seeming to even try.

In this movie, we get to see a young Nick Fury in his earlier years as an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., still with both his eyes. There are a couple nice "gotcha" moments where you expect him to have lost his eye, only for it not to have happened. I especially liked the way he dropped his hardass persona in the presence of Goose the cat. It's a nice, unexpected dimension of character for Nick Fury and Samuel L. Jackson.

We also get a nice look at Agent Colson with hair! Yeah!

Goose the..."cat" is an amazing addition to the movie. What his purpose is and how or why he does what he does is a mystery, but damn! I Love that cat! Flurkin power!

Some of the best scenes in this movie include:

1) Vers escaping the Skrull. This fight makes it perfectly clear that Vers is a legitimate badass. I mean, she beats the crap out of how many Skrull while whipping off one-liners, all while barefoot? (The answer is 20!) And to top it off, she then goes back to get her boots before blowing up the ship! And this is all with her hands encased in metal cylinders!

(I bet the Skrull rethought their restraint designs after that encounter!)

2) The Metro train fight scene. Note to regular people: if a woman dressed for Laser Tag hooks off on a sixty-year old woman and that old biddy responds by hopping out of her seat and dropkicking her attacker, I suggest letting this one play out, and *not* jumping to the defense of the old lady who clearly has something else going on.

3) Interrogating Nick Fury. C'mon, finding out that his first pet's name was Mr. Snoofles? Awesome! And her proof that she's not Skrull?

Vers: "That was a photon blast."
Fury: "So?"
Vers: "So, Skrull can't do that!" she says, looking at him like that should be common knowledge for any Terran.

4) Vers in a Guns N' Roses t-shirt, singing Lita Ford's Kiss Me Deadly. What?! I'm an 80's kid and that was hot!

5) Goose going full Flurkin on the Kree!

6) Vers versus The Supreme Intelligence.

Vers: "I've been fighting with one hand behind my back; but what happens when I'm finally set free?"

The answer, we quickly find out, is she kicks EVERYONE'S ass!

7) Carol Danvers forsaking the classic trope of goings hands up with her former commanding officer-turned nemesis in their final fight and simply blowing him away! After all, she's got nothing to prove to him.

8) The reveal on how Nick Fury got his eyepatch: "Mother Flurkin!"

9) Whooping Kree ass to No Doubt's "I'm Just a Girl."

10) Goose hocking up the Tesseract.

On the Cheshire Scale, I give this movie 4 Grins!

The preceding message has been brought to you by CineMadness, your new destination for reviews of your favourite movies and television shows; and is sponsored by your local Laser Tag arena; Blockbuster Video (we're sure there's still one out there...somewhere); and Flurkin Feast: Tired of your shapeshifting cat-creature eating your Tesseract? Give them Flurkin Feast! Thank you.

I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!

Blog #33: Review of the Live-Action Lion King

There is a reason that a saying exists that says, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

The reason, it turns out, is that if you try to fix something that ain't broke, chances are you're going to break it.

Case in point, the live-action remake of  The Lion King.

It's not often that Disney calls it in, but dammit, why did they have to do it to The Lion King?!?! I grew up on that movie! I saw it in the theater with my Grandparents! It was one of the few shining spots in my childhood!

Now, before you try to say that I'm doing to this remake what so many did to the Ghostbusters remake (which I have not yet seen), I will tell you that my stance is not based on this not being as good as the original.

At least, not solely.

Since I am perfectly able to compartmentalize, I am first going to rip into this movie as it stands, and then in comparison to the original. And yes, Cats & Kittens, I am  going to eviscerate this movie -- rain ponchos and face shields are recommended for those in the first three rows.

The fact is, separated from the original, this movie does not stand up to scrutiny. Scar was not sinister in any way, shape, or form; in fact, I felt sorry for him -- the poor guy looked like an underfed housecat with mange. Seriously, people: how is it that Simba as a cub looked like he was one good roar away from punking his Uncle Scar down?

The hyenas were supposed to be this fearsome, terrible plague of the Pridelands. But they gave me the impression that if I pulled out my laser pointer I could keep the whole pack busy for hours!

I do, however, want to applaud Shenzi, the leader of said imbecilic hyena pack, for being ten times as sinister as Scar. Let's hear it for sidekicks that upstage their so-called superiors a la' Starscream! (DISCLAIMER: cartoon Starscream, not the movie Starscream)

If I had watched this movie without ever having seen the original, I would not have sat through it, and I spend most of my day in a cell! Disney might have paid out the ass to recruit an all-star cast, but the dialogue that they added in was unnecessary crap, the villains were about as sinister as a bowl of milk, and the songs were not the caliber we have come to expect from Disney.

And now that you think you're desensitized to the violence of my vitriol, let's compare this shitstorm to the original! Buzzsaws at the ready!

Admittedly, the first parts of the movie were more or less shot for shot the original. I could even stomach their rendition of _"I Just Can't Wait to be King,"_ because all the bright colours flashing across the screen kept me distracted. But starting with the introduction of the hyenas, the movie started to crumble. Once Simba fled the Pridelands, I would have rather been downwind of Pumba.

Starting with the hyenas, what the frak happened to Ed?! I Loved that idiot! Now, not only did they give him lines (which he didn't need -- he spoke volumes just by laughing!), but his schtick is a lack of respect for personal space? That's barely cringe worthy, and for all the wrong reasons.

When the original Lion King came out, Scar immediately became the rock star of villains. His song, "Be Prepared" was *THE* villain anthem of its time! But this live-action version? C'mon, Disney, you could have at  least gotten someone who could actually sing!

Jeremy Irons, man, I'm so sorry they did this to your character.

Rafiki. Ye Gods, Disney, what did you  do to him? You tried to redeem him in the end when he brought out his staff to the big fight, but let's not kid ourselves: slapping a staff on the ground is not gonna top Monkey-style Kung Fu! It was Rafiki's borderline "Old Man of The Mountain" madness that made him so iconic and endearing. Watering him down like this just makes me want to cry.

Several of the changes Disney made only served to rob the would-be hero of his glory. Instead of Simba crossing the desert by himself, running toward his destiny and coming into his own (a necessary part of "The Hero's Journey"), he is accompanied by Nala. It robbed him of gravitas. Don't believe me? Go back and watch the original and tell me which scene gets your heart beating more. And, instead of Simba forcing Scar to admit to his treachery and malfeasance before the entire pride, it's Simba's mother who catches Scar in his lies and exposes him, which completely robbed Simba of his moment to both vindicate himself and prove his dominance and right to rule.

I get that Disney figured that since they were already paying Beyonce to "act" (and I use that term very loosely), they'd also get her to sing, but none of  The Lion King's songs, ESPECIALLY* Elton John's Can You Feel The Love Tonight needed the "Beyonce Treatment."

Beyonce may "run the world" but her atrocious acting did more damage to the Pridelands than all the hyenas put together.

All that said, I admit: there were a few high points in this movie. Not many, but they kept me from putting my size 11-1/2 foot through the television. Getting an extended version of The Lion Sleeps Tonight from Timon, Pumba, and friends was nice; and the no-warning blitz from Nala was hilarious! And though I would have preferred Timon's iconic grass skirt hula dance to entice the hyenas, the nod to Beauty & The Beast was a nice touch.

And let's not ignore the fact that they did give Zazu an upgrade in testicular fortitude: that little hornbill took it to the hyenas! I cheered for him!

James Earl Jones, you are a God, now and always. I'm glad they didn't make the mistake of trying to replace you in this trainwreck. I hate that they minimalized your heart-to-heart with Simba at the pool, and I wish they'd at least have gotten that right. But even a little of you is better than them trying to fill your shoes with some half-ass wannabe. 

Give this pitiful remake of a legendary film one star, and only that much because Nala's surprise attack on Pumba made me laugh. I strongly suggest avoiding this movie and sticking with the animated version. You'll be happier.

The preceding has been a movie review by CineMadness -- a brand-spanking new branch of Cheshire Industries composed of both Yours Madly, and a crackerjack team of Minion cinema buffs led by Minion # 33-⅓, codenamed "Buddhameister-Meisterbuddha." Minion #33-⅓ has asked that I report that he has disavowed any connection to my "reckless" comments regarding Beyonce, her terrible acting, and the atrocity that was her musical "contribution" to an already terrible movie. He reportedly fears the retributive sting of some entity that he refers to only as "The Bee Swarm." While he may be a pansy, his cinematic knowhow makes him worth keeping around and I will therefore honor his request. I, however, stand by all that I have said, and I have an endless supply of Raid. Bring it.

{MINION 33-⅓'s NOTE: I am *not* a pansy; I am allergic to bee stings and I don't have an Epi-pen.} 

Blog 32: Holy Frak! I've been cloned!

As you all may know, I was recently kidnapped (don't look at me like that, she had Skittles and Slurpees!) who took me to an undisclosed location and performed all manner of tortures upon my poor self, up to and including locking me in a room with absolutely nothing to do. The horror! The sadism! The sheer diabolic evil!

Ahem.
So, after my spectacular escape and subsequent return to this dimension, I put a tremendous amount of effort into discovering who this woman is and why she kidnapped my super-cool-awesome self. I must admit that I failed. I was unable to discover this beguiling femme fatale's identity. It chafes my 'nads that this is so, but I am willing to admit when I am bested.

However! All is not lost! I may have failed in my search, but I have an uncountable army of Minions who are eager to fulfill my every whim! One of them, Minion #237, code-named Krylane, recently presented me with an image that startled me to my core -- the spitting image of my own adorable self taken straight from the digital world! After some quick follow-up research, I learned that the image came from an apparently famous game called "Animal Crossing." It turns out that all those electrodes she hooked up to me were to brain-scan me! The witchy temptress cloned me and stuck me in a videogame!

If you wish to see this, look for the character that shares my name -- you can't miss me! Wolfish good looks, leather jacket, Alpha mentality -- you'll recognize me as soon as you see me.

I understand that you will need some background information about your favourite Evil Genius so you'll understand the gravity of the situation we now find ourselves in. Thus, as always, your Mad Cheshire is happy to present my Strangers with a history lesson!

In 1376ce, an unprecedented meeting of the greatest superpowers of the world -- Good Guys and Bad Guys both -- came together to determine the fate of the world. In what would come to be known as The World's Fate Treatise, it was acknowledged as fact by both sides that there will always be Evil Geniuses, Supervillains, and various Nogood'niks who will always seek to rule the world, take cities hostage, steal everyone's left sock, or otherwise get up to all manner of hijinks just for shits & giggles. Likewise, there will always be Superheroes, Do-gooders, and Various Busybodies who will oppose them and seek to ruin their fun. This constant bid for power was termed "The Game." After much posturing, arguing, and threats of unmitigated destruction on both sides, everyone agreed that The Game must always remain fair -- mainly so that when one side ultimately wins, the other side can't assign an asterisk to the victory and cheapen it with their pettiness.

(Example: "Oh boo hoo! You only rule the world because you set off a MegaNuke that nobody even knew you had! Waaaahh")

Like any super powerful entity intent on achieving victory, everybody wants their victory to be absolute and above contestation. So rules were set in place. In exchange for keeping The Game fair, the other side will accept the victory of their opponent. Unfair use of power would be an acknowledgement of both fear and capitulation to the side such force was used against.

Get it? Got it? Good! Now you've learned something!

Fast forward to today. I have never made any secret about my designs on this wonderful word of ours -- I will accept nothing less than total world domination! I am utterly confident that the world will be a much better place to live in once everyone realizes that I have the right idea and just does as I say. Simply put, I will outlaw all the bad stuff and make sure everyone is happy. It's really not that complicated, people. But now is not the time for my manifesto.

The Worldwide Alliance of Superheroes is well aware of my designs, and they are well aware that I am more than capable of achieving my goals. In accordance with The World's Fate Treatise, they can't upend the gameboard we are playing by, say, nuking the general location they know I am in. Likewise, for them to simply put a bullet in my head just because they know I intend to take over the world would be the same as admitting they know I would succeed and admitting defeat, which would mean I win!

For me to keep up my part of the Treatise, it has been ruled that I am not allowed to clone myself in any way, shape, or form. Me having twice as much brainpower (or more) at my disposal would be considered an unfair use of my power.

You can see now my dilemma. As David Wong has said before, you need to understand that none of this is my fault! Nintendo cloned me against my will! I disavow any part of their cloning me -- I don't think they even know how dangerous it is to have a digital copy of my mind running loose in the Internet!

So, you busybody chowder heads, you want to wipe out my bastard clone, go ahead -- make my millennium. But I'd be careful if I were you: if you miss, you'll have a pissed off part of my mind with nothing to lose and out for revenge to deal with. You think _Ultron_ was bad? You ain't seen nothing yet! Alpha!

BLOG 31: Abducted!

 Okay, is this the right dimension? Did I get it right this time? Ye Gods, if I ended up in another universe run by idiots with their finger hovering over the Nuke'Em'All Button just begging for an excuse...what's that? AGAIN?! Then get me the frak out of here! Wait -- What? This one still has Rocky Road?

...

...Okay then. I'll stick around. For now.

Okay, Cats & Kittens, I know I've been MIA -- my Minions say it's been over a year since last I gave you a booster shot of Strangeness; but like David Wong said, it's very important you understand that none of this was my fault. Don't you worry, though: what I have to tell you will more than make up for the absence, and I've got plenty more to come!

So! About where I've been: You know how when you were younger your parents told you never to accept candy from strangers or get into a car with one? Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh...turns out that the same goes for when a super cute Japanese girl invites you into her Ferrari for a joyride complete with Skittles and Slurpees -- trust me, it's a trap!

Turns out said hottie had access to some serious pharmaceutical-grade knockout drugs. If not for my lifelong involuntary inoculation of various psychotropics that have helped me build a resistance to such things, it would've put me out like a light! I'll give her credit, though: when whatever she put in the Slurpee didn't do the trick, her knife-edge chop to my throat followed by her right cross certainly did!

When I woke up, I was in a sterile white room, strapped to a table with all kinds of neat wires and electrodes hooked up to my head. I would like to tell you this was the first time I've been in that kind of situation, but, of the many things you can describe me as, a liar is not one of them.

What followed was an interminable period of painful, mindwracking torture the likes of which defy the vernacular conventions to describe. By the time that Japanese hottie came in with her team of scientists, I was ready to give her the codes to my best Doomsday device if she would just read me the owner's manual to her iPhone!

{Minion's note: What Master Cheshire is saying here is that he was left in a room all by himself with nobody to talk to and nothing to do. According to our biometric tracking data, the "interminable" period of time between Master Cheshire's regaining consciousness and becoming aroused at the site of his admittedly bewitching captor was approximately 5 minutes, 21 seconds}

I could fill the rest of this with the hours of excruciating, deeply penetrating violations of my brain and privacy that occurred as my cruel captor funneled my brainscan into her computer while explaining what delightful plans she had for the world using my extremely potent and chaotic intellect (Oh Gods, I just realized she was monologuing! She's a Supervillain too!) but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm just going to skip to the part where I managed to escape because my loyal Minions showed up Rambo-style and threw a Quantum Grenade into the room. By a weird quirk of metaphysics and my own SEP field, I ended up shunted into another dimension, and have been trying to get back for the last several months.

You know that crap in movies where they go on a kickass time traveling alternate reality adventure and finally return to their own timeline/universe to find no time has passed in their own timeline?

Absolute bullshit.

Blog 30: Remembering Tempest Smith

We interrupt your daily doldrums to bring you a special message about a very special girl.

Greetings. By now, every one of you truly hoopy froods know that I am a frood who knows where my towel is at. I approach life with a zest and zeal that may be unreasonably positive at times, but you all know I'd rather be manically (and maniacally, I admit) happy than depressed. But today I am writing to you in the most somber mood because what I have to say cannot be said with levity. We all know the world has hateful people in it, people who disguise their hatred and prejudices with the facade of righteousness and holy vindication. We've all dealt with it; I've had my fair share, though I've long been able to withstand such bullying with wit and eloquent profanity -- or fists when words did not suffice. Sadly, not everyone who faces such unreasoning hatred survives. Today I call on all my Readers, my Minions, my Strangers, and my Followers of all stripes to hear me, not for my own sake, but for the sake of someone who can no longer speak or stand for herself.

A very close Witch friend of mine, Andy Peeples, reached out to me and asked me to share the following information with the Rowan Tree Church and anyone else I could think of, and ask anyone so moved to do so participate in a moment of remembrance on 16th September 2019ce. When he explained the reason behind the request, I knew I needed to write this Blog for everyone to see.

Tempest Kayne Smith was born on 16th September 1988ce in Harris County, Texas. She was a Loving, creative, friendly, skinny white girl with wispy blond hair. Tempest was relentlessly bullied, taunted, harassed, threatened, & assaulted by her classmates for years. On the morning of 20th February 2001ce in Wayne County, Michigan, she hung herself in her bedroom with her favourite scarf rather than face another day.

She was singled out for bullying for the following reasons:

a. Her birth Mother was obese
b. She was the child of two lesbians
c. She was a Goth
d. She was openly Wiccan

The persecution was often accompanied by "Christian singing & chanting." Her "teachers" laughed at her, and the administration ignored what was going on entirely.

According to Andy, who is a skilled astrologer, Tempest's chart indicated that she would have been a gifted healer and counselor. The world has been darker and less rich without her.

I would like to ask all of you to at the very least participate in a moment of remembrance on Monday, 16th September 2019ce at any time that you are able. I myself will be performing the Child of Light Healing Ritual for Tempest at 9pm Eastern Time. I invite everyone reading this to join me in joint ritual to send healing energies to her spirit and to all those who are persecuted for being true to themselves. If you are not Magickally inclined or do not know the Child of Light Healing Ritual, then prayer will do.

I don't ever have needed to meet Tempest Kayne Smith to Love her. She needs to know that she is Loved and not forgotten.

For those of you who are still within this mortal coil, know that you are not alone. Your persecution is not your fault. Being true to yourself is not a crime and you have nothing to apologize for. Stand strong, and do not let the hatred of ignorant minds and empty hearts tear you down. If nothing else, know that you are Loved by the Gods for who you are, not who the world wants you to be. As a servant of the Gods, I, too, Love you without ever knowing you, without ever meeting you. I am easy to find and will offer what Love and support I am able if you reach out to me.

To those who witness the brutality of those cretins who prey on those whose only crime is being different, know that to do nothing is worse than if you had taken part in the assault yourself. Even inaction is a choice, and choosing to turn a blind eye and deaf ear to someone in need is not only cowardice, it is evil.

Blessed Be, One and All.

The preceding message has been brought to you by the memory of Tempest Kayne Smith and is sponsored by the number 12. Thank you.
 
I am The Kyle and I wholeheartedly approve this message.

Blog #29: The Pros & Cons Podcast

Over the last year and a half I have been working with Bethany Jones, cohost of The Pros & Cons, a really top notch true-crime podcast that focuses on the story that sensationalist media jackal -whores don't bother with. Where the media focuses solely on the gore and the horror of the crime, and sensationalizes what should be treated with dignity and respect, Bethany and her cohost Adrianna focus their attention on how things got to the point where they became so bad, and also what happened after the verdict was handed down and the media stopped paying attention, turning their attention to whatever new tragedy they could exploit for ratings.

In the time that I worked with her, Bethany never once even attempted to draw me into any kind of discussion that even hinted at sensationalism. From the beginning she handled the Tragedy of Dr. Schwartz's death with the utmost respect. She never once downplayed my role in what happened, but at the same time she didn't treat me like a monster either. I quickly came to understand why she has earned the moniker The Inmate Whisperer.

I have given a lot of thought about what to say to encourage you to tune in, but at the end of the Night, I think the interview will speak for itself. It requires no gilding of the lilly from me. Those of who follow me here, you know me. You know how I feel about the media, and you know I wouldn't consent to an interview if there was any possibility they would handle it in any way other than how it deserved. I hope you will listen to it, I hope that it helps you in some way, and I hope you will share it with everyone you know who might need it.

Spread the word, Cats & Kittens. We have to stop the Beast.

LINKS
```````````
www.mouthoffnetwork.com/the-pros-and-cons-podcast

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/022-dr-robert-schwartz-part-one/id1248179183?i=1000438140572

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/023-kyle-hulbert-interview-part-two/id1248179183?i=1000438140571

Blog #28: Cockroaches In The Matrix

Hey, Cats & Kittens!

Pop quiz! But I swear this will be more fun than grade school math!

Question: What do you get when you mix dry cereal, poor pest control, and a chow hall overseer who really doesn't give a frak about what she feeds her captive inmates?

Answer: A ruined breakfast, a need for immediate tooth brushing, and the latest in my dripping brain matter style of poetry!

Cockroaches In The Matrix

I have no legs I have no legs I have no legs please don't step on me!
Cockroaches masquerading as Cap'n Crunch
Crunchy carapaces crunching on my molars
My molars might make a mighty mess
There is no spoon
There is cereal, but there is no spoon
There is milk but it is soy milk
Spoiled soy milk
Spoiled soy milk curdles
Curdles like my brain when I listen to drivel
Drivel drips out my ears and stains my shirt
I need to change my shirt but I only have the one
The One is not enough to stop the spread of the Many
Agent Smith is the Many
There is no spoon but there is the Many
Many, Many, Many, Many, Many, Many, Many
"Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me"
"Me too!"
One from Many
There is no spoon
I'll eat my cereal dry
Damn cockroaches


The preceding has been a stream of consciousness sponsored by Cheshire Industries, the Multiverse's only source of The Strangeness, and is brought to you by the brain matter I've just splattered across your screen. Your welcome!

I am The Kyle and I approved this message!