Cheshire Industries is a staunch Lover of animals
of all kinds, with a special place in our hearts for cats. So I couldn't
resist the chance to tell you all about a special cat who inspired the
Kisses For Hisses Initiative (See Blog #26: Kisses For Hisses).
I
have a wonderful friend in the UK named Aliki. She is a one-of-a-kind,
Anime-obsessed, cute-to-boot Gothy chick that this Mad Cheshire is lucky
to have in his life. She has a cat named Psipsini Arkoudaki (A pretty
Greek name that roughly translates to "Little Kitten Teddy Bear"), or
Psipsi for short.
(For those of you not proficient in Greek, the phonetic pronunciation is "Sigh-sigh-nee Ark-oh-dak-ee". Yay linguistics!)
Like
many people obsessed with all things cutsie who also happen to have a
cat in their life, Aliki has a bad habit of utterly humiliating Psipsi
by dressing him up, taking pictures, and then posting them to her
friends. After sending me a few of these, it was clear that Psipsi's
dignity had been obliterated. I mean, how's a cat to feel when his human
places a mouse on his head and takes a picture?! Or buries him in
Origami cranes? Or balances little stuffed animals on him when he's
sleeping?
I wrote to Aliki appealing to her sense of compassion
on Psipsi's behalf for his dignity. I told her I was prepared to launch
#SavePsipsisDignity if that's what it took. I pointed out that the look
in Psipsi's eyes was the soulless look an animal gets when it dies
inside, which turns to tragedy for their human when, say, that animal
decides to smother their human in their sleep. Or dart between their
feet when they're at the top of a steep flight of stairs precariously
balancing heavy packages.
To Aliki's credit, she saw the soulless
look in Psipsi's eyes and relented. For two solid weeks, she resisted
her need to cutsiefy her cat. She treated him with the dignity and
respect his breed demands, and in all ways behaved as if the thought of
humiliating her cat had never crossed her pretty pink head.
Psipsi,
true to his cat nature, absolutely hated this new, dignified treatment
of his person, and showed his displeasure when Aliki was preparing for
an overnight trip to see her relatives. He sauntered into her room,
climbed into her open suitcase on the bed, and, without taking his dead,
soulless eyes from Aliki's, proceeded to take a long smelly and
entirely deliberate piss right in her suitcase!
Psipsi has been
housetrained since he was a kitten, and had never behaved in this
fashion before. The only plausible explanation for his behaviour was
simple, spiteful revenge.
Cats, huh?
As a result of this,
Aliki returned to her previous ways with Psipsi and gone to new heights
of humiliating him and savaging his dignity in the name of all things
cute.
What has been learned here is that cats, those Beloved
contrary furballs, may look miserable when their humans dress them up,
and may disdain the way their humans capture their follies on camera for
internet ratings, but in truth, they are cats and as such adore every
moment of attention they receive. Truly, as has been demonstrated by
Psipsi, they demand this attention, and woe be upon the foolish
human who thinks to deprive them of their due fame. Like many humans,
cats are whores for attention; their dignity is a paltry price to pay
for the chance to be seen by the world in all their cat-glory.
And
true to their cat nature, they'll never show the slightest appreciation
to you for it, or let on in the slightest how much they adore the ooohs! and awwws! their humiliation inspires.
They are cats after all, and they have appearances to maintain.
The
preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is
sponsored by The Kisses For Hisses Initiative; a daft, soulless furball
named Psipsini Arkoudaki; the pretty, cute-to-boot human who Loves him,
and the number 9. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
Recently I received something in the mail which
surprised the ever-loving frak out of me. I have apparently become the
recipient of a very prestigious honor from The Gettysburg Foundation: I
have been nominated to be featured in their Battlefield Registry, which,
according to the letter they wrote me, is "an interactive resource,
reserved exclusively for our supporters, that is on display at the
Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center."
Hmmm...Okaaaay, interesting. Are they sure they got the right guy?
Included
with this letter was a very well made certificate on quality card
stock. It featured a very pretty view of what appears to be the old
Gettysburg Battlefield and a Civil War-era cannon. The text reads:For outstanding commitment
to celebrating America's heritage
and sharing the lessons in leadership and sacrifice
that history has to offer
Kyle Hulbert
is hereby nominated for special recognition by the
Gettysburg Foundation, and trusted to help sustain vital
efforts to preserve the Gettysburg Battlefield, share this
historic treasure with future generations, and honor
President Lincoln's legacy of leadership in Gettysburg.
Wait a minute, what?!
Clearly,
there's been a mistake -- anyone who knows me knows that I'm probably
the last person in the world anyone would mistake for being someone
who's "committed to America's heritage." And leadership? HA! The
last time anyone followed my leadership we all ended up before
Magnimar's council of magistrates trying to explain why we thought it
was a good idea to crossbreed gremlins with goblins!
(In my
defense, it seemed like a really good idea at the time; I just didn't
think the city would get so bent out of shape about it!)
So
basically, the Gettysburg Foundation has nominated me to give them money
and take care of their battlefield. Great! That's only a couple steps
away from sticking me up with a musket!
Despite that American
History is not something I am terribly impassioned about, I read the
rest of the letter The Gettysburg Foundation included with my Official
Nomination Certificate, if only for its amusement value. Get this: in
return for a "special tax-deductible gift of $35 or more," they will
send me a Presidential Challenge Coin embossed with the face of
President Lincoln, and I will enjoy the following benefits:
Free admission to the Cyclorama, Film and Museum Experience at the
Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center;
A subscription to their quarterly newsletter, which includes special
features from the Gettysburg Foundation and the Gettysburg National
Military Park, informative historical articles _"and much more";
(Yep, no sales pitch is complete without promising "and much more!")
A 10% discount in the Museum Bookstore;
Discounts at local and national merchants through the Gettysburg Rewards program;
Discounts on public programs and invitations to member-only events; and
Special access to the memers-only section of the Gettysburg Foundation website.
WOW! All that for little ol' me? I feel so special! Oh, wait...
My prison won't allowe me to have the Presidential Challenge Coin;
I cannot go to the Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor
Center, at least not without a whole lot of armed and highly pissed off
U.S. Marshals on my ass;
I have no interest in reading their newsletter;
I seriously doubt their Museum Bookstore carries H. P. Lovecraft or Pathfinder books;
The Gettysburg Rewards program is unlikely to support the kinds of merchants I buy from;
Me showing up to their members-only events would be an issue, unless
they're going to allow the aforementioned armed and highly pissed off
U.S. Marshals to be my plus-ones;
I have no access to their website at all; and
If I had $35 or more that I didn't need to buy Commissary to keep my
stomach from eating my spine, I'd either put it towards funding a legal
defense to get my cute ass out of here, or I'd give it to the ASPCA.
Snow Leopards definitely need my money more than the battlefield!
That
said, if they were able to guarantee I could actually participate in
all these neat-o perks they're offering me (especially without the risk
of getting shot by US Marshals), I'd absolutely join their club. But
seriously, they really should have put more thought into their pitch --
it says "RIVER NORTH CORRECTIONAL CENTER" on my address!
The
lesson here today, cats & kittens, is that if you're going to try to
flatter someone into giving you money, at least offer them something
they can actually use. Otherwise, you'll end up being fodder for
someone's Blog who has way too much free time on his hands to make fun
of you for it!
The preceding message has been brought to you by
Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by The Gettysburg Foundation's
advertising department, who clearly don't bother reading the addresses
they send their panhandling letters to; the obscene amount of boredom I
have been suffering lately; and the number 35 Or More. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
