(WARNING: This is *not* the usual
Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy hijinks you may be used to from Cheshire Industries. In
fact, the following account may cause you to feel all gloomy. We apologize for
this, but are unable to avoid it. However, you may call our Gloomy Eradication
Hotline and one of our skilled Evil Minions will happily offer free counseling
to help you find your way back to that exquisite state of Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy
Yesness that you have come to expect from us.)
Anyone that knows me knows that I identify strongly with many books and movies and things of this Nature, that I find resonance with characters that may go a little (or a LOT!) beyond the conventional fan. Those who really know me, well, they understand why that is. The simplest answer is that, with the difficulties I have with my mind -- specifically my fractured psyche -- I seek fictional character that I can strongly relate to so that I may attempt to understand myself through my identifying with them.
One of favourite characters is Stitch, from Disney's Lilo & Stitch. Without a doubt, Stitch captures so much of the isolation and loneliness that I have dealt with throughout my life. Stitch is the ultimate outsider: a genetic experiment, he is the only one of his kind. He has no family to call his own, he has no place that he can call home because he was never supposed to exist in the first place. He knows he wants to fit in, but hasn't the slightest clue as to how to do it, or even what it means to fit in.
In the last couple weeks, I have had a major crisis in my life that ended with me being thrown out of the family I had thought I would be a part of for the rest of my life. It was messy and painful in a way that I am unable to put words to. I am healing -- it is not in my Nature to wallow for long; there are way too many awesome things to get into to stay depressed for long! -- and I will survive this, as I have survived in the past. However, this incident has brought to mind the many people who have come and gone in my life, especially those who have turned their back and walked away for one reason or another. I think it is time I spoke of them -- here, now.
It is not unusual for people to leave. I accept that as part of the Journey. But it is not in me to enter into friendship (and especially romance) with the idea that it won't work. I do everything 1,000,000,000% or I don't bother. If I don't give my all, then what's the point? So even when things go badly, I hope to remain friends. I always want things to get worked out for the good of everyone. But all too often, when things go badly, people resort to walking away. It's easy, especially when the person you're walking away from is incarcerated and can't do anything about it. When you look at it, it's often easier to walk away than to deal with what is going on and try to make things work. It's easier to quit than compromise, accuse others rather than find fault in yourself, to walk away rather than stay and work at a better tomorrow. Nobody's perfect, especially me, but I like to believe I try even when everyone else has given up.
This recent incident brought back to my mind a scene from Lilo & Stitch that has bearing here. The two of them had had a bad fight. Words were said that hurt feelings on both sides, and in the end, Stitch thought he wasn't wanted anymore. So when he thought Lilo was asleep, he started to climb out of the window. But Lilo wasn't asleep, and she said to him he following:
"If you want to leave, you can.
I'll remember you, though.
I remember everyone that leaves."
What Lilo said encompassed every feeling of loneliness and not being wanted that I have ever felt. What she said strikes a chord deep within me, and it is one of the truest, most relatable statements that I have ever heard.
I have always looked for a family. I have built a family from the people that have come into my life and chosen to be a part of it. That's the only criteria I have ever had for being a part of my family: that you had the desire to be a part of it. It has always been there for the asking, for anyone that wants it.
"Ohana" means "family." "Family" means no one gets left behind, or forgotten.
Those of you who come into my life, for whatever reason, you don't have to stay. I know that, though I always hope that you will. But before you go, I will have usually come to think of you as part of my family, and as myself as part of yours.
When you leave, I will remember you.
I remember everyone that leaves.
Anyone that knows me knows that I identify strongly with many books and movies and things of this Nature, that I find resonance with characters that may go a little (or a LOT!) beyond the conventional fan. Those who really know me, well, they understand why that is. The simplest answer is that, with the difficulties I have with my mind -- specifically my fractured psyche -- I seek fictional character that I can strongly relate to so that I may attempt to understand myself through my identifying with them.
One of favourite characters is Stitch, from Disney's Lilo & Stitch. Without a doubt, Stitch captures so much of the isolation and loneliness that I have dealt with throughout my life. Stitch is the ultimate outsider: a genetic experiment, he is the only one of his kind. He has no family to call his own, he has no place that he can call home because he was never supposed to exist in the first place. He knows he wants to fit in, but hasn't the slightest clue as to how to do it, or even what it means to fit in.
In the last couple weeks, I have had a major crisis in my life that ended with me being thrown out of the family I had thought I would be a part of for the rest of my life. It was messy and painful in a way that I am unable to put words to. I am healing -- it is not in my Nature to wallow for long; there are way too many awesome things to get into to stay depressed for long! -- and I will survive this, as I have survived in the past. However, this incident has brought to mind the many people who have come and gone in my life, especially those who have turned their back and walked away for one reason or another. I think it is time I spoke of them -- here, now.
It is not unusual for people to leave. I accept that as part of the Journey. But it is not in me to enter into friendship (and especially romance) with the idea that it won't work. I do everything 1,000,000,000% or I don't bother. If I don't give my all, then what's the point? So even when things go badly, I hope to remain friends. I always want things to get worked out for the good of everyone. But all too often, when things go badly, people resort to walking away. It's easy, especially when the person you're walking away from is incarcerated and can't do anything about it. When you look at it, it's often easier to walk away than to deal with what is going on and try to make things work. It's easier to quit than compromise, accuse others rather than find fault in yourself, to walk away rather than stay and work at a better tomorrow. Nobody's perfect, especially me, but I like to believe I try even when everyone else has given up.
This recent incident brought back to my mind a scene from Lilo & Stitch that has bearing here. The two of them had had a bad fight. Words were said that hurt feelings on both sides, and in the end, Stitch thought he wasn't wanted anymore. So when he thought Lilo was asleep, he started to climb out of the window. But Lilo wasn't asleep, and she said to him he following:
"If you want to leave, you can.
I'll remember you, though.
I remember everyone that leaves."
What Lilo said encompassed every feeling of loneliness and not being wanted that I have ever felt. What she said strikes a chord deep within me, and it is one of the truest, most relatable statements that I have ever heard.
I have always looked for a family. I have built a family from the people that have come into my life and chosen to be a part of it. That's the only criteria I have ever had for being a part of my family: that you had the desire to be a part of it. It has always been there for the asking, for anyone that wants it.
"Ohana" means "family." "Family" means no one gets left behind, or forgotten.
Those of you who come into my life, for whatever reason, you don't have to stay. I know that, though I always hope that you will. But before you go, I will have usually come to think of you as part of my family, and as myself as part of yours.
When you leave, I will remember you.
I remember everyone that leaves.
