In the past several years, whenever someone
has begun writing to me, they have more often than not asked whether or
not they were allowed to send me anything: care packages, money, books,
etc. Well, allow me to enlighten you! :)
There are, in fact, a
number of things that you can do if you want to brighten my day. The
most obvious is a donation of money. You cannot send cash, checks, or
money orders. The only way to send money to me is to go to www.JPay.com and wire funds electronically. On JPay you will see two
options: Inmate Trust Fund, and Inmate Media Fund.
The Inmate Trust Fund is my Commissary account. I can use money
wired here to purchase food, hygiene, stationary, and personal clothing
items (shoes, t-shirts, boxers, socks, sweats, thermals, etc.).
The Inmate Media Fund is strictly for my JP4 Media Player. The
JP4 is a 5" touchscreen mini-tablet through which I can play music and
type emails. Monies wired into my Media Fund are used for two things
only: purchasing music and purchasing the electronic stamps that I need
in order to send emails. I can purchase 40 e-stamps for $9.99. The music
ranges in cost, but a typical album is $15.97.
There is
supposed to be a JP5 becoming available in the next year or so, which is
an upgraded device with a bigger screen and more memory. I have no idea
when precisely it will become available, but when it does, my
understanding is that I will then have access to purchasing e-books and
movies for it as well (You can find out more by going to JPay.com).
You
can order subscriptions to magazines and comic books and have them sent
to me. You are also allowed to order back issues for me. In general,
I'm a geek--I Love RPG 'zines (like Dragon and its sister publication Dungeon), gaming magazines, and just about anything put out by Marvel.
You
can also order books for me. I Love Manga and graphic novels! But if
you order, be sure to buy used so as to save yourself money.
When
ordering books, or Manga or magazines *whatever* you order
will be perfect. If you are the kind of person that enjoys my Blogs, I'm
certain our tastes are the same--what you like, I'll like. :)
No matter what, *THANK YOU!!!!*
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Blog #12: Prison Mail Rules
As I'm sure any of you familiar with my
situation can appreciate, there are a number of rules imposed by my
prison facility regarding what can and cannot be sent to me via the
mail. Not all of it makes sense, and many of them strike me as arbitrary
beauracratic buffoonery imposed for no other reason than it amuses the
screws to do so. But, since they are both Gatekeepers and Keyholders,
and they are empowered to complicate my life if the whim so happens to
occur to them, I've decided to be all kinds of helpful to all of you
super-cool-awesome people by posting these, what I refer to as
BASS-AKWARD PRISON RULES BY BASS-AKWARD NUMBSKULLS! ;)
1) You can send me as much mail as you'd like (and I *promise* I won't complain either! ;)). However, any envelopes I receive must weigh no more than 1 ounce. That's the weight a single First Class stamp will carry. If you want to send longer letters (which would make you a singularly awesome kind of mega-cool person if you did), you just have to split your sendings into multiple one ounce envelopes (to be extra-specially helpful, an ounce is typically 10 sheets of notebook paper, or 5 sheets of typing paper. A 4X6 photo is about the weight of 2 sheets of notebook paper or 1 sheet of typing paper). If you do send multiple envelopes at once, please number them so that I know that I've received everything (for example, #1/3, #2/3, #3/3, etc.).
2) Likewise, there is no limit to how many photos you can send me. However, you can only send a maximum of 5 photos per envelope. In other words, you could conceivably send me 20 envelopes, each containing 5 photos apiece, and I'll be allowed to receive them all, but the Mailroom personnel will have a freakin' coronary if you dare send a single envelope with 6 photos in it! Heh heh heh...
You do have the option of printing photos on paper if you'd like. There is no limit to the number of pictures you print on each piece of paper, so long as you don't violate the one ounce rule described in #1 above. In addition, please take note of the following (stupid!) restrictions:
a. Nude and/or semi-nude photos, as well as photos of you in lingerie or swimwear, are not allowed (although I'm flattered that you'd want me to see them! >;)).
b. You cannot send pictures of drugs of any kind (apparently, the screws are concerned that I'd catch a contact high from the pictures. Either that, or they're more convinced of my prowess with sympathetic magick than they're admitting to!).
c. No gang symbols (so, to all my gangzta thugz, chill on throwin' up the set, yo!)
d. No pictures of prison facilities (including blueprints and underground getaway routes!)
3) If you wish to make donations, you cannot send cash, checks, money orders, or postage stamps. You can wire money to my Inmate Trust Account via JPay.com, but also be sure to check out Blog #13: Donations and Other Kinds of Awesomeness for more information.
4) For those of you communicating with me through emails, there is no limit to their length, or on the number of photos that you send to me. However, the content prohibitions listed in #2 still apply.
5) Finally, and most importantly, if you are looking for a friend, you've got one. How you define "friend" is up to you, but generally speaking, I avoid placing limitations or constraints on my interactions with the peope in my life. No matter what, you will receive from me abject, unadulterated honesty, and I'm not a monster. If you simply must find a label for me, "friend " has a pretty nice ring to it, don't you think?
Hoping to hear from you soon!
Laughing at the Moon, I remain,
The Kyle!!!
1) You can send me as much mail as you'd like (and I *promise* I won't complain either! ;)). However, any envelopes I receive must weigh no more than 1 ounce. That's the weight a single First Class stamp will carry. If you want to send longer letters (which would make you a singularly awesome kind of mega-cool person if you did), you just have to split your sendings into multiple one ounce envelopes (to be extra-specially helpful, an ounce is typically 10 sheets of notebook paper, or 5 sheets of typing paper. A 4X6 photo is about the weight of 2 sheets of notebook paper or 1 sheet of typing paper). If you do send multiple envelopes at once, please number them so that I know that I've received everything (for example, #1/3, #2/3, #3/3, etc.).
2) Likewise, there is no limit to how many photos you can send me. However, you can only send a maximum of 5 photos per envelope. In other words, you could conceivably send me 20 envelopes, each containing 5 photos apiece, and I'll be allowed to receive them all, but the Mailroom personnel will have a freakin' coronary if you dare send a single envelope with 6 photos in it! Heh heh heh...
You do have the option of printing photos on paper if you'd like. There is no limit to the number of pictures you print on each piece of paper, so long as you don't violate the one ounce rule described in #1 above. In addition, please take note of the following (stupid!) restrictions:
a. Nude and/or semi-nude photos, as well as photos of you in lingerie or swimwear, are not allowed (although I'm flattered that you'd want me to see them! >;)).
b. You cannot send pictures of drugs of any kind (apparently, the screws are concerned that I'd catch a contact high from the pictures. Either that, or they're more convinced of my prowess with sympathetic magick than they're admitting to!).
c. No gang symbols (so, to all my gangzta thugz, chill on throwin' up the set, yo!)
d. No pictures of prison facilities (including blueprints and underground getaway routes!)
3) If you wish to make donations, you cannot send cash, checks, money orders, or postage stamps. You can wire money to my Inmate Trust Account via JPay.com, but also be sure to check out Blog #13: Donations and Other Kinds of Awesomeness for more information.
4) For those of you communicating with me through emails, there is no limit to their length, or on the number of photos that you send to me. However, the content prohibitions listed in #2 still apply.
5) Finally, and most importantly, if you are looking for a friend, you've got one. How you define "friend" is up to you, but generally speaking, I avoid placing limitations or constraints on my interactions with the peope in my life. No matter what, you will receive from me abject, unadulterated honesty, and I'm not a monster. If you simply must find a label for me, "friend " has a pretty nice ring to it, don't you think?
Hoping to hear from you soon!
Laughing at the Moon, I remain,
The Kyle!!!
Blog #11: I'VE GOT EMAIL!!!!!
Hey there, all you awesomely kick-ass
people-type individualities!!! Guess what? After nearly 14 years of
incarceration, I've *finally* gotten access to emails!!! Clearly the
Multiverse is smiling on everyone's favourite Mad Cheshire. :)
So, now that it has just become, like, a giga-jazillion times easier to communicate with Yours Truly, here's what'cha gotta do if you want to swap electronical eccentricties with me (or, you know, just write to say "HI!" ;)):
1) Go to JPay.com
2) Using my name and DOC ID#, add yourself to my JPay Contact List (Kyle Hulbert #1165519, in case a walker ate your brain and made you forget! ;))
3) Send me an email and introduce yourself!
To be clear, it is up to *you* to add yourself to my Contact List; I do not have direct access to the Internet, and I can only email those of you who add yourselves to my Contact List.
You can send photos as well, if you'd like. This is something that I would strongly encourage you to do so that I can put a face to the name of whoever it is that is writing to me. But don't feel constrained to just sending photos of yourself: I want to see your world! Show it to me--I promise you'll find me a highly apprecative audience. And if you live in a foreign country, all the better! I can't exactly travel, but I've always wanted to see the world (yes, I'm talking to you Haley and Kelly in Canada, and Vila in Europe!!! :D).
The whole point of this site has always been to reach out to the world, to find people that would like to be a part of my life and--more importantly by far--who would also allow me to be a part of theirs, and to spread The Strangeness to every nook and cranny across the Blogosphere! Now it's easier than ever to make contact, and the only thing stopping you is that you're reading this!
It's time to get The Strangeness, and if you need any more incentive to join me in my mad revelry, I've got you covered:
Come to The Kyle's Side--we've got cookies!!!
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
So, now that it has just become, like, a giga-jazillion times easier to communicate with Yours Truly, here's what'cha gotta do if you want to swap electronical eccentricties with me (or, you know, just write to say "HI!" ;)):
1) Go to JPay.com
2) Using my name and DOC ID#, add yourself to my JPay Contact List (Kyle Hulbert #1165519, in case a walker ate your brain and made you forget! ;))
3) Send me an email and introduce yourself!
To be clear, it is up to *you* to add yourself to my Contact List; I do not have direct access to the Internet, and I can only email those of you who add yourselves to my Contact List.
You can send photos as well, if you'd like. This is something that I would strongly encourage you to do so that I can put a face to the name of whoever it is that is writing to me. But don't feel constrained to just sending photos of yourself: I want to see your world! Show it to me--I promise you'll find me a highly apprecative audience. And if you live in a foreign country, all the better! I can't exactly travel, but I've always wanted to see the world (yes, I'm talking to you Haley and Kelly in Canada, and Vila in Europe!!! :D).
The whole point of this site has always been to reach out to the world, to find people that would like to be a part of my life and--more importantly by far--who would also allow me to be a part of theirs, and to spread The Strangeness to every nook and cranny across the Blogosphere! Now it's easier than ever to make contact, and the only thing stopping you is that you're reading this!
It's time to get The Strangeness, and if you need any more incentive to join me in my mad revelry, I've got you covered:
Come to The Kyle's Side--we've got cookies!!!
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
Blog #10: TOWEL DAY!!!
Hey, cats and kittens and truly hoopy froods! Today is 25th May--it's
Towel Day!!! Yes, that's right, it's *Towel Day!* So, all you truly hoopy froods had better know where your towel is at! :)
For those of you that aren't in the know, Towel Day is a celebration of Douglas Adams' super-cool-awesome series "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", that indispensible volume that will tell every hitchhiker how to see all the wonders of the Universe for only 30 Alterian dollars a day! We celebrate Douglas Adams' life, death and amazing contribution to literature by wearing our towels and reminding everyone we see that a truly hoopy frood *ALWAYS* knows where his/her towel is!
So laugh! Dance! Stick a Babel Fish in your ear, tell the Vogon Costructor Fleet to get bent and let your Infinite Improbability Drive take you to parts unknown in your everlasting quest to find the Ultimate Question to the Ultimate Answer to Life! The Universe! And Everything!
Until next time, Hitchhikers, when in doubt, just stick out your thumb!
With Fun, Adventure, and *Really* Wild Things,
I *AM* The Kyle!
Towel Day!!! Yes, that's right, it's *Towel Day!* So, all you truly hoopy froods had better know where your towel is at! :)
For those of you that aren't in the know, Towel Day is a celebration of Douglas Adams' super-cool-awesome series "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", that indispensible volume that will tell every hitchhiker how to see all the wonders of the Universe for only 30 Alterian dollars a day! We celebrate Douglas Adams' life, death and amazing contribution to literature by wearing our towels and reminding everyone we see that a truly hoopy frood *ALWAYS* knows where his/her towel is!
So laugh! Dance! Stick a Babel Fish in your ear, tell the Vogon Costructor Fleet to get bent and let your Infinite Improbability Drive take you to parts unknown in your everlasting quest to find the Ultimate Question to the Ultimate Answer to Life! The Universe! And Everything!
Until next time, Hitchhikers, when in doubt, just stick out your thumb!
With Fun, Adventure, and *Really* Wild Things,
I *AM* The Kyle!
Monday, May 25, 2015
Blog #9: My Super-Cool-Awesome Profile
"Somewhere between unconsciousness and laughter, that's my specialty."
--From a wonderful poem I once read...
HA! Victory is mine! I've finally managed to wriggle out of my Technicolour straitjacket and have successfully distracted the screws with contraband XXX nudie mags! But wait! Here's a delightful conundrum: now that I've got the opportunity to tell you all about myself, just what am I to say that will compel you to take that dizzying first step into the Great Unknown of a brand-spanking new friendship? There's so much to say--where do begin?!?!
Oh! I know!!!
Hi Freeworld peoples! *waving energetically* I am The Kyle and I'm the bestest friend you never had! "The Kyle" isn't just a name, though, it's a state of mind!
I'm that guy your Mother warned you about: a hyperactive super-cool-awesome wildcard with a wicked Cheshire grin, devastating charm and *way* more imagination, curiosity, and free time than can possibly be good for either of us! I may be barking mad, but your life is definitely going to be more interesting because of it! Come on, give in to the Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Dance--You *know* you want to!
Are you fun and interesting or, even better, really strange? Do you giggle uncontrollably at wildly inappropriate moments, or for no reason at all? Do you desperately wish your life were like your favourite Anime? Are you crazy for all things Japanese? Do you believe the world would be a better place if more people lightened up and gave in to whimsical flights of fancy or random acts of senseless Beauty? Is there way too much blood in your caffeine system? Do you have tattoos, piercings, or body modifictions (and if so, will you show them to me?)? Do you have lots of awesome, interesting or exotic pets? Do you have a job doing something wicked cool? Are you a tortured soul expressing yourself through art, poetry, music, or photography? Do you believe in magick, Dragons or Fairies? Have you ever been abducted by aliens (or wish you had been)? Do you search for the impossible in everyday life? Do you know deep in your heart that there is more to this world, beyond sight and sound and touch? Are you a pathetically hopeless Romantic with more optimistic idealism than is probably good for you? Do you have room in your life for the madcap antics of a slightly demented, caffeine addled eccentric?
Then why the frak aren't you writing to me yet?!?!
--From a wonderful poem I once read...
HA! Victory is mine! I've finally managed to wriggle out of my Technicolour straitjacket and have successfully distracted the screws with contraband XXX nudie mags! But wait! Here's a delightful conundrum: now that I've got the opportunity to tell you all about myself, just what am I to say that will compel you to take that dizzying first step into the Great Unknown of a brand-spanking new friendship? There's so much to say--where do begin?!?!
Oh! I know!!!
Hi Freeworld peoples! *waving energetically* I am The Kyle and I'm the bestest friend you never had! "The Kyle" isn't just a name, though, it's a state of mind!
I'm that guy your Mother warned you about: a hyperactive super-cool-awesome wildcard with a wicked Cheshire grin, devastating charm and *way* more imagination, curiosity, and free time than can possibly be good for either of us! I may be barking mad, but your life is definitely going to be more interesting because of it! Come on, give in to the Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Dance--You *know* you want to!
Are you fun and interesting or, even better, really strange? Do you giggle uncontrollably at wildly inappropriate moments, or for no reason at all? Do you desperately wish your life were like your favourite Anime? Are you crazy for all things Japanese? Do you believe the world would be a better place if more people lightened up and gave in to whimsical flights of fancy or random acts of senseless Beauty? Is there way too much blood in your caffeine system? Do you have tattoos, piercings, or body modifictions (and if so, will you show them to me?)? Do you have lots of awesome, interesting or exotic pets? Do you have a job doing something wicked cool? Are you a tortured soul expressing yourself through art, poetry, music, or photography? Do you believe in magick, Dragons or Fairies? Have you ever been abducted by aliens (or wish you had been)? Do you search for the impossible in everyday life? Do you know deep in your heart that there is more to this world, beyond sight and sound and touch? Are you a pathetically hopeless Romantic with more optimistic idealism than is probably good for you? Do you have room in your life for the madcap antics of a slightly demented, caffeine addled eccentric?
Then why the frak aren't you writing to me yet?!?!
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Blog #8: Court Update
Hey, cats and kittens and truly hoopy froods!
I just wanted to make you all aware that I am getting transferred this
week to Loudoun County Adult Detention Center to prepare for my 30th
June Evidentiary Hearing for my Habeas Corpus. If all goes well, my
conviction will be overturned and I will be granted a new trial.
The only downside to this is that I will have to leave all my property behind and will be spending my time in a single cell with nothing to do!!! I'll try to upload more Strangeness while I'm there, but my Evil Minions are dealing with certain upheavals in their lives that resulted from an...er, *misunderstanding* concerning an entirely unlikely cardiovascular muscle of precious metal, a black hole, and a certain unnamed manic depressive, paranoid android...Suffice it to say, uploading The Stangeness might be a bit trickier than usual.
Not to worry, though! I will do my best to keep you all updated as the case progresses. Meanwhile, snail mail is the only means of communication open to me, unless you want me to call Collect, in which case you'll have to send me your number! ;)
Any and all Happy Thoughts, Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy well-wishes, positive energies, and prayers to divine entities and/or supernatural intelligences for intercession in my favour are greatly appreciated.
Until next you hear from me, or I you, keep your towel close, your S.E.P. field ready, and whatever you do, DON'T PANIC!!!
The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries, a multidimensional collective of truly hoopy froods with way too much free time on our hands; and is brought to you by a big middle finger to the Vogon Constructor Fleet, their poetry, and all intergalactic bypasses; your local Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy correspondent; Life, the Universe, and Everything; and the number 42. Thank you.
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
Monday, 25th May--Towel Day! If you aren't wearing your towel, you are *NOT* a truly hoopy frood!!!!!
The only downside to this is that I will have to leave all my property behind and will be spending my time in a single cell with nothing to do!!! I'll try to upload more Strangeness while I'm there, but my Evil Minions are dealing with certain upheavals in their lives that resulted from an...er, *misunderstanding* concerning an entirely unlikely cardiovascular muscle of precious metal, a black hole, and a certain unnamed manic depressive, paranoid android...Suffice it to say, uploading The Stangeness might be a bit trickier than usual.
Not to worry, though! I will do my best to keep you all updated as the case progresses. Meanwhile, snail mail is the only means of communication open to me, unless you want me to call Collect, in which case you'll have to send me your number! ;)
Any and all Happy Thoughts, Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy well-wishes, positive energies, and prayers to divine entities and/or supernatural intelligences for intercession in my favour are greatly appreciated.
Until next you hear from me, or I you, keep your towel close, your S.E.P. field ready, and whatever you do, DON'T PANIC!!!
The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries, a multidimensional collective of truly hoopy froods with way too much free time on our hands; and is brought to you by a big middle finger to the Vogon Constructor Fleet, their poetry, and all intergalactic bypasses; your local Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy correspondent; Life, the Universe, and Everything; and the number 42. Thank you.
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
Monday, 25th May--Towel Day! If you aren't wearing your towel, you are *NOT* a truly hoopy frood!!!!!
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Blog #7: 10 Fun Facts About The Kyle!
1) Colours: Black and Red
2) Books: The Thief of Always and The Hellbound Heart by Clive Barker, the entire Hannibal Lecter saga by Thomas Harris, the Necroscope series by Brian Lumley, *ALL* of H.P. Lovecraft works, the entire Resident Evil series, and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.
3) Movies: Who Framed Roger Rabbit, The Nightmare Before Christmas (and all of Tim Burton's films), Trick or Treat, Hellraiser (and *ALL* Clive Barker - based films), What Dreams May Come, In the Mouth of Madness, Resident Evil (every single one!), Event Horizon, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, (among a *HUGE* list of martial arts films), Ultraviolet, Identity, Aeon Flux, 300, Crank, Paranormal Activity, The Secret of NIMH (an all-time favourite), and 9.
4) Animal: Cuttlefish! Underwater colour-changing alien squid! If you've ever seen one, you'e undestand. :)
5) Drink: Caffeine, mainlined!
6) Anime: Without a doubt Gurren Lagann is one of the most inspirational thing I have ever seen, but there are tons of others I adore.
7) Manga: FLCL, hands down. It is beyond explaining - *READ IT!*
8) Music: My tastes range the spectrum, include Jackie Evancho, Nightwish, Enigma, Metallica, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Iggy Azalea, Insane Clown Posse, The Crüxshadows, Arianna Grande, Lorde, Savage Garden, Kittie, Korn. Kitaro, Yo Yo Ma, and soooo many more.
9) Dream Girl: If Luis Royo ever read Brian Lumley's Necroscope series and then drew a Hentai version of Jessica Rabbit as the Lady Karen and then she came to life....oh, yeah! :)
2) Books: The Thief of Always and The Hellbound Heart by Clive Barker, the entire Hannibal Lecter saga by Thomas Harris, the Necroscope series by Brian Lumley, *ALL* of H.P. Lovecraft works, the entire Resident Evil series, and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.
3) Movies: Who Framed Roger Rabbit, The Nightmare Before Christmas (and all of Tim Burton's films), Trick or Treat, Hellraiser (and *ALL* Clive Barker - based films), What Dreams May Come, In the Mouth of Madness, Resident Evil (every single one!), Event Horizon, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, (among a *HUGE* list of martial arts films), Ultraviolet, Identity, Aeon Flux, 300, Crank, Paranormal Activity, The Secret of NIMH (an all-time favourite), and 9.
4) Animal: Cuttlefish! Underwater colour-changing alien squid! If you've ever seen one, you'e undestand. :)
5) Drink: Caffeine, mainlined!
6) Anime: Without a doubt Gurren Lagann is one of the most inspirational thing I have ever seen, but there are tons of others I adore.
7) Manga: FLCL, hands down. It is beyond explaining - *READ IT!*
8) Music: My tastes range the spectrum, include Jackie Evancho, Nightwish, Enigma, Metallica, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Iggy Azalea, Insane Clown Posse, The Crüxshadows, Arianna Grande, Lorde, Savage Garden, Kittie, Korn. Kitaro, Yo Yo Ma, and soooo many more.
9) Dream Girl: If Luis Royo ever read Brian Lumley's Necroscope series and then drew a Hentai version of Jessica Rabbit as the Lady Karen and then she came to life....oh, yeah! :)
Blog #6: Catharsis: The Hunt Resumes
Cue the violins as I wax melancholy for a moment...
For the last two years, I have been a "kept Wolf"; I had happily committed to a long-term polyamorous relationship with two wonderful and Beautiful young women. We built something amazing together, something that made me believe that, finally, I was done hunting, that I had found my way home.
I was proud to be a kept Wolf, to belong to something Beautiful and something that would stand the test of time. The three of us were happy and eager for what the future could bring us.
Then...it all fell apart. The details of how and why are nobody''s business but ours, but I now find myself standing amid the ruin of a once Beautiful dream wondering "Where did it all go wrong?" There is no blame to be laid, no fingers to be pointed, it just didn't work out.
Strange, when I imagined the Multiverse imploding and ending all Creation as we know it, I thought there'd be more fire, more lights and explosions. Instead, it just got really cold...
But despite the aching hollowness, that damnably familiar loneliness, dreams don't turn to dust and it's not in me to give up, to surrender to loneliness or despair. The dreams I live for are still very much alive, made stronger and more vibrant by the taste of a life I might have had that my former Mates blessed me with. So, now a free Wolf, I return to the Night and resume my Hunt, taking with me the lessons this experience has taught me, grateful for the wounds that my lost Mates healed and eager to see what Destiny has in store for me.
I was close this time, so close I could taste it. Having lost it, but knowing it does exist. I lift my nose to the wind and seek the scent that will lead me to where I belong.
Carpe Noctem.
For the last two years, I have been a "kept Wolf"; I had happily committed to a long-term polyamorous relationship with two wonderful and Beautiful young women. We built something amazing together, something that made me believe that, finally, I was done hunting, that I had found my way home.
I was proud to be a kept Wolf, to belong to something Beautiful and something that would stand the test of time. The three of us were happy and eager for what the future could bring us.
Then...it all fell apart. The details of how and why are nobody''s business but ours, but I now find myself standing amid the ruin of a once Beautiful dream wondering "Where did it all go wrong?" There is no blame to be laid, no fingers to be pointed, it just didn't work out.
Strange, when I imagined the Multiverse imploding and ending all Creation as we know it, I thought there'd be more fire, more lights and explosions. Instead, it just got really cold...
But despite the aching hollowness, that damnably familiar loneliness, dreams don't turn to dust and it's not in me to give up, to surrender to loneliness or despair. The dreams I live for are still very much alive, made stronger and more vibrant by the taste of a life I might have had that my former Mates blessed me with. So, now a free Wolf, I return to the Night and resume my Hunt, taking with me the lessons this experience has taught me, grateful for the wounds that my lost Mates healed and eager to see what Destiny has in store for me.
I was close this time, so close I could taste it. Having lost it, but knowing it does exist. I lift my nose to the wind and seek the scent that will lead me to where I belong.
Carpe Noctem.
Blog #5 Contact With Nay Nay's Candy Box CANCELED
Cheshire Industries regrettably announces that, due to an unfortunate mishap with a malfunctioning Xyclone Confetti Cannon, Nay Nay's Candy Box has suffered irreparable damage to its structural integrity and fallen into ruin. As a result of this, Cheshire Industries' contract has been abruptly terminated and The Kyle is now officially unattached.
While this happenstance is regrettable, it is not without precedent, and Cheshire Industries has specialized for years in recovering from such catastrophes. Even as you read this, our cracker-jack surgical teams are working around the clock to repair the Kyle's broken foot, and soon everyone's favourite Mad Cheshire will be back to preforming his mega-awesome Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Dance and ranting about the goblins that keep stealing his left socks.
In the meantime, we here at Cheshire Industries would be very much obliged to anyone who would mail back any of the confetti-sized pieces of The Kyle's shredded heart that they happen to come across. Thankee sai!
The preceding announcement has been brought to you by all those sappy, depressing Love songs you simply must listen to when you two-year relationship falls apart; and is sponsored by the hope that one day it'll all make sense; and is brought to you by the number 1. Thank you.
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
While this happenstance is regrettable, it is not without precedent, and Cheshire Industries has specialized for years in recovering from such catastrophes. Even as you read this, our cracker-jack surgical teams are working around the clock to repair the Kyle's broken foot, and soon everyone's favourite Mad Cheshire will be back to preforming his mega-awesome Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Dance and ranting about the goblins that keep stealing his left socks.
In the meantime, we here at Cheshire Industries would be very much obliged to anyone who would mail back any of the confetti-sized pieces of The Kyle's shredded heart that they happen to come across. Thankee sai!
The preceding announcement has been brought to you by all those sappy, depressing Love songs you simply must listen to when you two-year relationship falls apart; and is sponsored by the hope that one day it'll all make sense; and is brought to you by the number 1. Thank you.
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
Blog #4: Public Service Announcement (bilirubin bacterium)
PREFACE TO PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: To
all True Friends of The Kyle, and True-Friends-In-The-Making, the following Public
Service Announcement is *not* directed at you. *YOU* are
cherished and exalted companions to whom I owe all my Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy
Yesness, and your friendship is by far the greatest gift I will ever receive.
To you, I am eternally grateful.
What follows is directed at those False who have proven themselves to be decidedly *NOT* Friends of The Kyle.
THE FOLLOWING IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHESHIRE INDUSTRIES, A PSYCHEDELIC SUPERNOVA LIGHTING UP A BORING GRAY WORLD.
Hi There! I am The Kyle, founder and Commander-In-Chief of Cheshire Industries, and it has been my undiluted pleasure to know those of you who have written to me *and* have responded so positively to this Blog. Unfortunately, it has become necessary I address an issue that plagues me by bringing to your attention the existence of a particularly disgusting strain of duplicitous and fallacious bacterium that continues to persist in its pathological quest to colonize its collective self in my perpetually super-cool-awesome slice of Reality. Although we here at Cheshire Industries refuse to grace any of the individual paramecium that make up this fecund collective, we have named this infectious wad of rectal phlegm the bilirubin bacterium ( Those of you familiar with Thomas Harris will get the reference; those who are not should start reading!). It is important that you be made aware of this nasty secretion of a leprous codpiece so that it can be isolated, alienated, and (most importantly) obliterated.
Typically, this unsightly fungal growth presents itself as a would-be Pen-Pal responding with fervent interest to either my Blog, exclaiming "Let's be friends!". Said fungus then spends just enough time and puts forth just enough effort to attach itself to me so as to satisfy its selfish momentary infatuation before it goes chasing after what bouncing, shiny red ball that next catches its eye, like a germy, attention-deficient jackdaw; all its promises of friendship and loyalty forgotten, no more substantial than the flatulence they use to speak them.
Even worse than these are the especially heinous pathogens that present as the lesser form of bilirubin bacterium, but possessed of a more parasitic bent. These work harder to "prove" their sincerity, but only so that they can extract whatever juicy tidbits of information they can about my sordid past in order to post my letters on any of the so-called "murderabilia" websites that infest the darker corners of the Internet. These degenerate secretions of tumorous fecal matter want nothing more than to capitalize on the Tragedies of my past, and the miseries of those involved, who have never done anything to deserve these parasites' predations.
If you are among the infectious wastes of aberrant DNA byproduct that bears any resemblance to what I have just described here, if you believe it is acceptable to offer the promise of friendship you have no intention of keeping, or to traffic in the unsanctioned sale of personal correspondence in order to cash in on someone elses troubled past, or to otherwise stroke your pus-bloated ego by cultivating forlorn hope in those with little enough to hope for in the first place, you are each and everyone of you hereby invited to take an immediate, energetic, and enthusiastically exuberant flying frak at a rolling donut--preferably as it rolls into rush hour traffic.
Should you lack a donut and/or convenient rush hour traffic, you may instead feel perfectly free to either stick you genitals into the nearest meat grinder, or pick a fight with a tempermental wolverine by attempting to forcibly circumcise it, whichever suits your fancy. In either event, you petty, malicious shit-stain malignancies, quit infecting my Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Reality with your stench.
The preceding message has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by Cheshire Industries, cultivators of overly elaborate ways of dropping scathing F-bombs on particularly disgusting strains of duplicitous and fallacious bacterium since 1983; and is sponsored by the Grind-Master 6000 line of industrial-grade meat grinders; your local donut shop; and the Society of Tempermental Wolverines. Thank you.
I *am* The Kyle and I approved this message!
NOTE: CHESHIRE INDUSTRIES DOES *NOT* ENDORSE THE SALE OF ANY CORRESPONDENCE WRITTEN BY KYLE HULBERT. ANY LETTERS OR OTHER SO-CALLED "MERCHANDISE" IS ADVERTISED WITH NEITHER MY KNOWLEDGE NOR MY PERMISSION. WE WOULD APPRECIATE ANY INFORMATION REGARDING ANYTHING OF THIS NATURE YOU MAY FIND. DO NOT DISGRACE THE DEAD BY PARTICIPATING IN THIS KIND OF ABHORRENT PARASITISM. THANK YOU
What follows is directed at those False who have proven themselves to be decidedly *NOT* Friends of The Kyle.
THE FOLLOWING IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHESHIRE INDUSTRIES, A PSYCHEDELIC SUPERNOVA LIGHTING UP A BORING GRAY WORLD.
Hi There! I am The Kyle, founder and Commander-In-Chief of Cheshire Industries, and it has been my undiluted pleasure to know those of you who have written to me *and* have responded so positively to this Blog. Unfortunately, it has become necessary I address an issue that plagues me by bringing to your attention the existence of a particularly disgusting strain of duplicitous and fallacious bacterium that continues to persist in its pathological quest to colonize its collective self in my perpetually super-cool-awesome slice of Reality. Although we here at Cheshire Industries refuse to grace any of the individual paramecium that make up this fecund collective, we have named this infectious wad of rectal phlegm the bilirubin bacterium ( Those of you familiar with Thomas Harris will get the reference; those who are not should start reading!). It is important that you be made aware of this nasty secretion of a leprous codpiece so that it can be isolated, alienated, and (most importantly) obliterated.
Typically, this unsightly fungal growth presents itself as a would-be Pen-Pal responding with fervent interest to either my Blog, exclaiming "Let's be friends!". Said fungus then spends just enough time and puts forth just enough effort to attach itself to me so as to satisfy its selfish momentary infatuation before it goes chasing after what bouncing, shiny red ball that next catches its eye, like a germy, attention-deficient jackdaw; all its promises of friendship and loyalty forgotten, no more substantial than the flatulence they use to speak them.
Even worse than these are the especially heinous pathogens that present as the lesser form of bilirubin bacterium, but possessed of a more parasitic bent. These work harder to "prove" their sincerity, but only so that they can extract whatever juicy tidbits of information they can about my sordid past in order to post my letters on any of the so-called "murderabilia" websites that infest the darker corners of the Internet. These degenerate secretions of tumorous fecal matter want nothing more than to capitalize on the Tragedies of my past, and the miseries of those involved, who have never done anything to deserve these parasites' predations.
If you are among the infectious wastes of aberrant DNA byproduct that bears any resemblance to what I have just described here, if you believe it is acceptable to offer the promise of friendship you have no intention of keeping, or to traffic in the unsanctioned sale of personal correspondence in order to cash in on someone elses troubled past, or to otherwise stroke your pus-bloated ego by cultivating forlorn hope in those with little enough to hope for in the first place, you are each and everyone of you hereby invited to take an immediate, energetic, and enthusiastically exuberant flying frak at a rolling donut--preferably as it rolls into rush hour traffic.
Should you lack a donut and/or convenient rush hour traffic, you may instead feel perfectly free to either stick you genitals into the nearest meat grinder, or pick a fight with a tempermental wolverine by attempting to forcibly circumcise it, whichever suits your fancy. In either event, you petty, malicious shit-stain malignancies, quit infecting my Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Reality with your stench.
The preceding message has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by Cheshire Industries, cultivators of overly elaborate ways of dropping scathing F-bombs on particularly disgusting strains of duplicitous and fallacious bacterium since 1983; and is sponsored by the Grind-Master 6000 line of industrial-grade meat grinders; your local donut shop; and the Society of Tempermental Wolverines. Thank you.
I *am* The Kyle and I approved this message!
NOTE: CHESHIRE INDUSTRIES DOES *NOT* ENDORSE THE SALE OF ANY CORRESPONDENCE WRITTEN BY KYLE HULBERT. ANY LETTERS OR OTHER SO-CALLED "MERCHANDISE" IS ADVERTISED WITH NEITHER MY KNOWLEDGE NOR MY PERMISSION. WE WOULD APPRECIATE ANY INFORMATION REGARDING ANYTHING OF THIS NATURE YOU MAY FIND. DO NOT DISGRACE THE DEAD BY PARTICIPATING IN THIS KIND OF ABHORRENT PARASITISM. THANK YOU
Blog #3: Delays; Evil Minion Positions Available
For those of you concerned about the
delays in postings (or simply jonesing for your Strangeness fix!), I must apologize.
Unfortunately, several of my Evil Minions have had to be placed on emergency
sabbaticals in order to have their behavioral implants recalibrated. I
determined that when my Evil Minions began digging up the freeway during rush
hour with the intent to plant tuplips, it was time for a tune-up (and I would
once again like to apologize to the Department of Traffic for the potholes!).
An unfortunate side-effect of these sabbaticals is regrettable delay in
uploading new transmissions of The Strangeness.
However! This also means that I have openings in my Minion Legion! Cheshire Industries is recruiting interns for my ongoing campaign for world domination! Duties include website design/updating and general maintenance and assisting with uploading my Strangeness WMDs and spreading The Strangeness across the Blogosphere and beyond! Anyone who is interested may apply directly - apply now and help Cheshire Industries infect the world!
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
P.S. A free helpful tip for all you aspiring Mad Scientists out there: *DON'T* buy surplus recalled Bulgarian Mark II Behave - O - Matic behavioral modification brain implants from a guy selling them out of the back of a broke-down HumVee; I don't care what kind of discount he's offering! Get them somewhere reputable from a vendor you can trust, like on Craigslist!
However! This also means that I have openings in my Minion Legion! Cheshire Industries is recruiting interns for my ongoing campaign for world domination! Duties include website design/updating and general maintenance and assisting with uploading my Strangeness WMDs and spreading The Strangeness across the Blogosphere and beyond! Anyone who is interested may apply directly - apply now and help Cheshire Industries infect the world!
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
P.S. A free helpful tip for all you aspiring Mad Scientists out there: *DON'T* buy surplus recalled Bulgarian Mark II Behave - O - Matic behavioral modification brain implants from a guy selling them out of the back of a broke-down HumVee; I don't care what kind of discount he's offering! Get them somewhere reputable from a vendor you can trust, like on Craigslist!
Blog #2: Operation: Cheesegrater (or, My Mutant Rat Mess)
You would think that breeding genetically enhanced mutant rats for your army in pursuit of your goal of world domination is a splendid idea.
Yeah...not.
Not too long ago, I had a rather nice lab set up in Waverly, Virginia, and I began my mutant rat breeding program (codenamed Operation: Cheesegrater) with high hopes. The first batch of specimens proved promising - strong, smarter than your average rodent, and able to chew through titanium like melted cheese. They didn't know ninjitsu and so weren't as super-cool-awesome as Master Splinter, bu still - I was happy. Thus, I launched a massive production of the same genetic batch and soon had over 2,000 voracious little soldiers ready to do my bidding.
The best part was they worked for cheese!
Two weeks later, disaster struck; I was preparing to execute an exploratory raid on a nearby town when I discovered that the furry bastards had all under went an accelerated kind of adolescence overnight. I could have lived a thousand years and died happily without having ever seen my army of mutant rats frakking like tweaked-out jack rabbits!
(Thank God that I had the foresight to cross their genetic wires and make them all sterile! I can't imagine how I would have dealt with a horde of terminally horny rats swarming my compound and humping everything in sight!)
In hindsight, it probably wasn't the brightest idea to weed them on that experimental methamphetamine-adrenaline compound. It's not that they were breeding so uncontrollably that was the problem, it was that they kept at it until their hearts exploded! Do you have any idea what kind of mess all those ruptured rat rib cages make?!
Thankfully, shortly after I was forced to evacuate, those rats whose hearts proved sturdier than the rest either starved to death or died of dehydration.
For all you aspiring Mad Scientists out there who dream of breeding your own unstoppable army of mutant rats to aid you in your quest for world domination, take my advice: breed eunuchs!
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
Yeah...not.
Not too long ago, I had a rather nice lab set up in Waverly, Virginia, and I began my mutant rat breeding program (codenamed Operation: Cheesegrater) with high hopes. The first batch of specimens proved promising - strong, smarter than your average rodent, and able to chew through titanium like melted cheese. They didn't know ninjitsu and so weren't as super-cool-awesome as Master Splinter, bu still - I was happy. Thus, I launched a massive production of the same genetic batch and soon had over 2,000 voracious little soldiers ready to do my bidding.
The best part was they worked for cheese!
Two weeks later, disaster struck; I was preparing to execute an exploratory raid on a nearby town when I discovered that the furry bastards had all under went an accelerated kind of adolescence overnight. I could have lived a thousand years and died happily without having ever seen my army of mutant rats frakking like tweaked-out jack rabbits!
(Thank God that I had the foresight to cross their genetic wires and make them all sterile! I can't imagine how I would have dealt with a horde of terminally horny rats swarming my compound and humping everything in sight!)
In hindsight, it probably wasn't the brightest idea to weed them on that experimental methamphetamine-adrenaline compound. It's not that they were breeding so uncontrollably that was the problem, it was that they kept at it until their hearts exploded! Do you have any idea what kind of mess all those ruptured rat rib cages make?!
Thankfully, shortly after I was forced to evacuate, those rats whose hearts proved sturdier than the rest either starved to death or died of dehydration.
For all you aspiring Mad Scientists out there who dream of breeding your own unstoppable army of mutant rats to aid you in your quest for world domination, take my advice: breed eunuchs!
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
Blog #1: Enter The Strangness!
Entering Blogosphere....
<Scanning>
<Scanning complete>
Scanners indicate the Blogosphere is an ideal canidate to host The Strangeness. Initiate teleportation of random oddities...
Flictonic Clipple Wave Syndrome is in full effect: Please stand by for Trans-dimentional Teleportation of random oddities...
Hi! I am The Kyle, Certified (and Certifiable) Mad Hatter and the founder and Commander - in - Chief of Cheshire Industries, your one - stop - shop for all your oddity fixations. Welcome to my Blog! I hope this introduction will give you an idea of what you're in for...
Not too long ago, I realized that the world is far to serious for its own good; way too many of you out there in Freeworld are all stressed out with no-one to choke! Thus, I took it upon myself to initiate a first-strike protocol and begin launching my vast arsenal of WMDs (that's Whimsically Maniacal Diatribes) and employ my mega-awesome patented designer virus, codenamed The Strangeness, to infect the world with all kinds of Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Yayness and bring it to its senses!
My First target was facebook, but those damn character limitations are not conducive to spreading my highly-communicable virus, so I've turned my sights on the Blogosphere. Here I can effect a higher saturation rate and an enhanced viral efficacy, which means that my plans for world domination can now proceed undeterred! Prepare to be infected-victory is mine!
There is no cure for The Strangeness and your immune system can't repel it - I've designed it that way! :) So, not only is resistance futile, but you're just not going to have any fun trying. Come to The Kyle Side - we've got cookies!
If you'd like to communicate with me, I Love meeting new and interesting people. The best way to reach me is via snail mail at my Super Secret Ultra Hidden Mad Scientist Hideaway of Ultimate Obscure Not - Findingness:
Kyle Hulbert #1165519
River North Correctional Center
329 Dell Brook Lane
Independence, Virginia 24348
(but shhh! it's a secret - duh!) You can post comments (and it's be a super-cool-awesome if you did), but my Evil Minions have recently gotten themselves addicted to snorting printer toner and until I get them all through rehab, they'll only be able to print emails once a month. Given my location, snail is the only surefire means of timely communication with me, especially given that my jailors take a very dim view of me having any access to Internet-connected computers (I swear, you upload one tiny self-replicating Cylon network virus and the Pentagon gets all Defcon 1 on you....)
Through my faithful and trusty Evil Minions, I will be hijacking the Blogosphere on a regular basis and uploading massive doses of The Strangeness for your infectious pleasure. It is my express purpose to infect the entire world! You can increase your chances of contracting The Strangeness by writing me directly - that's why it's called a communicable virus!
If you'd like to learn more about your new favorite Mad Hatter with the Cheshire grin, you can talk to my Evil Minions and/or go to www.cellpals.com and find my page under Virginia Inmates; you can learn all the particulars of my incarceration by going to www.geocities.ws/savekyle; or you can come straight to the source to ask, I'll have the decency to be honest.
I will soon be uploading all VaDOC's (stupid!) mail rules, which I strongly urge you to read (apparently, the prison frowns upon anyone mailing me rocket-assist jump boots and hand-held neutron cannons - go figure!). My evil Minions are working extra-specially hard to fill this Blog profile with everything you could possibly need to get into contact with me and keep up with the Wonderfully Frakked-Up Life of Everyone's Favourite Mad Hatter, The Kyle! Lucky you!
In any event, cats and kittens, stay tuned and remember that a truly hoopy frood always knows where is his towel is!
<Scanning>
<Scanning complete>
Scanners indicate the Blogosphere is an ideal canidate to host The Strangeness. Initiate teleportation of random oddities...
Flictonic Clipple Wave Syndrome is in full effect: Please stand by for Trans-dimentional Teleportation of random oddities...
Hi! I am The Kyle, Certified (and Certifiable) Mad Hatter and the founder and Commander - in - Chief of Cheshire Industries, your one - stop - shop for all your oddity fixations. Welcome to my Blog! I hope this introduction will give you an idea of what you're in for...
Not too long ago, I realized that the world is far to serious for its own good; way too many of you out there in Freeworld are all stressed out with no-one to choke! Thus, I took it upon myself to initiate a first-strike protocol and begin launching my vast arsenal of WMDs (that's Whimsically Maniacal Diatribes) and employ my mega-awesome patented designer virus, codenamed The Strangeness, to infect the world with all kinds of Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Yayness and bring it to its senses!
My First target was facebook, but those damn character limitations are not conducive to spreading my highly-communicable virus, so I've turned my sights on the Blogosphere. Here I can effect a higher saturation rate and an enhanced viral efficacy, which means that my plans for world domination can now proceed undeterred! Prepare to be infected-victory is mine!
There is no cure for The Strangeness and your immune system can't repel it - I've designed it that way! :) So, not only is resistance futile, but you're just not going to have any fun trying. Come to The Kyle Side - we've got cookies!
If you'd like to communicate with me, I Love meeting new and interesting people. The best way to reach me is via snail mail at my Super Secret Ultra Hidden Mad Scientist Hideaway of Ultimate Obscure Not - Findingness:
Kyle Hulbert #1165519
River North Correctional Center
329 Dell Brook Lane
Independence, Virginia 24348
(but shhh! it's a secret - duh!) You can post comments (and it's be a super-cool-awesome if you did), but my Evil Minions have recently gotten themselves addicted to snorting printer toner and until I get them all through rehab, they'll only be able to print emails once a month. Given my location, snail is the only surefire means of timely communication with me, especially given that my jailors take a very dim view of me having any access to Internet-connected computers (I swear, you upload one tiny self-replicating Cylon network virus and the Pentagon gets all Defcon 1 on you....)
Through my faithful and trusty Evil Minions, I will be hijacking the Blogosphere on a regular basis and uploading massive doses of The Strangeness for your infectious pleasure. It is my express purpose to infect the entire world! You can increase your chances of contracting The Strangeness by writing me directly - that's why it's called a communicable virus!
If you'd like to learn more about your new favorite Mad Hatter with the Cheshire grin, you can talk to my Evil Minions and/or go to www.cellpals.com and find my page under Virginia Inmates; you can learn all the particulars of my incarceration by going to www.geocities.ws/savekyle; or you can come straight to the source to ask, I'll have the decency to be honest.
I will soon be uploading all VaDOC's (stupid!) mail rules, which I strongly urge you to read (apparently, the prison frowns upon anyone mailing me rocket-assist jump boots and hand-held neutron cannons - go figure!). My evil Minions are working extra-specially hard to fill this Blog profile with everything you could possibly need to get into contact with me and keep up with the Wonderfully Frakked-Up Life of Everyone's Favourite Mad Hatter, The Kyle! Lucky you!
In any event, cats and kittens, stay tuned and remember that a truly hoopy frood always knows where is his towel is!
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