There is a reason that a saying exists that says, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
The reason, it turns out, is that if you try to fix something that ain't broke, chances are you're going to break it.
Case in point, the live-action remake of The Lion King.
It's
not often that Disney calls it in, but dammit, why did they have to do
it to The Lion King?!?! I grew up on that movie! I saw it in the
theater with my Grandparents! It was one of the few shining spots in my
childhood!
Now, before you try to say that I'm doing to this
remake what so many did to the Ghostbusters remake (which I have not
yet seen), I will tell you that my stance is not based on this not being
as good as the original.
At least, not solely.
Since I am
perfectly able to compartmentalize, I am first going to rip into this
movie as it stands, and then in comparison to the original. And yes,
Cats & Kittens, I am going to eviscerate this movie -- rain
ponchos and face shields are recommended for those in the first three
rows.
The fact is, separated from the original, this movie does
not stand up to scrutiny. Scar was not sinister in any way, shape, or
form; in fact, I felt sorry for him -- the poor guy looked like an
underfed housecat with mange. Seriously, people: how is it that Simba as
a cub looked like he was one good roar away from punking his Uncle Scar
down?
The hyenas were supposed to be this fearsome, terrible
plague of the Pridelands. But they gave me the impression that if I
pulled out my laser pointer I could keep the whole pack busy for hours!
I
do, however, want to applaud Shenzi, the leader of said imbecilic hyena
pack, for being ten times as sinister as Scar. Let's hear it for
sidekicks that upstage their so-called superiors a la' Starscream!
(DISCLAIMER: cartoon Starscream, not the movie Starscream)
If I
had watched this movie without ever having seen the original, I would
not have sat through it, and I spend most of my day in a cell! Disney
might have paid out the ass to recruit an all-star cast, but the
dialogue that they added in was unnecessary crap, the villains were
about as sinister as a bowl of milk, and the songs were not the caliber
we have come to expect from Disney.
And now that you think you're
desensitized to the violence of my vitriol, let's compare this
shitstorm to the original! Buzzsaws at the ready!
Admittedly, the
first parts of the movie were more or less shot for shot the original. I
could even stomach their rendition of _"I Just Can't Wait to be King,"_
because all the bright colours flashing across the screen kept me
distracted. But starting with the introduction of the hyenas, the movie
started to crumble. Once Simba fled the Pridelands, I would have rather
been downwind of Pumba.
Starting with the hyenas, what the frak
happened to Ed?! I Loved that idiot! Now, not only did they give him
lines (which he didn't need -- he spoke volumes just by laughing!), but
his schtick is a lack of respect for personal space? That's barely
cringe worthy, and for all the wrong reasons.
When the original Lion King came out, Scar immediately became the rock star of villains.
His song, "Be Prepared" was *THE* villain anthem of its time! But
this live-action version? C'mon, Disney, you could have at least
gotten someone who could actually sing!
Jeremy Irons, man, I'm so sorry they did this to your character.
Rafiki.
Ye Gods, Disney, what did you do to him? You tried to redeem him in
the end when he brought out his staff to the big fight, but let's not
kid ourselves: slapping a staff on the ground is not gonna top
Monkey-style Kung Fu! It was Rafiki's borderline "Old Man of The
Mountain" madness that made him so iconic and endearing. Watering him
down like this just makes me want to cry.
Several of the changes
Disney made only served to rob the would-be hero of his glory. Instead
of Simba crossing the desert by himself, running toward his destiny and
coming into his own (a necessary part of "The Hero's Journey"), he is
accompanied by Nala. It robbed him of gravitas. Don't believe me? Go
back and watch the original and tell me which scene gets your heart
beating more. And, instead of Simba forcing Scar to admit to his
treachery and malfeasance before the entire pride, it's Simba's mother
who catches Scar in his lies and exposes him, which completely robbed
Simba of his moment to both vindicate himself and prove his dominance
and right to rule.
I get that Disney figured that since they were
already paying Beyonce to "act" (and I use that term very loosely),
they'd also get her to sing, but none of The Lion King's songs, ESPECIALLY* Elton John's Can You Feel The Love Tonight needed the
"Beyonce Treatment."
Beyonce may "run the world" but her atrocious acting did more damage to the Pridelands than all the hyenas put together.
All
that said, I admit: there were a few high points in this movie. Not
many, but they kept me from putting my size 11-1/2 foot through the
television. Getting an extended version of The Lion Sleeps Tonight from Timon, Pumba, and friends was nice; and the no-warning blitz from
Nala was hilarious! And though I would have preferred Timon's iconic
grass skirt hula dance to entice the hyenas, the nod to Beauty &
The Beast was a nice touch.
And let's not ignore the fact that
they did give Zazu an upgrade in testicular fortitude: that little
hornbill took it to the hyenas! I cheered for him!
James Earl
Jones, you are a God, now and always. I'm glad they didn't make the
mistake of trying to replace you in this trainwreck. I hate that they
minimalized your heart-to-heart with Simba at the pool, and I wish
they'd at least have gotten that right. But even a little of you is
better than them trying to fill your shoes with some half-ass wannabe.
Give this pitiful remake of a legendary film one
star, and only that much because Nala's surprise attack on Pumba made me
laugh. I strongly suggest avoiding this movie and sticking with the
animated version. You'll be happier.
The preceding has been a
movie review by CineMadness -- a brand-spanking new branch of Cheshire
Industries composed of both Yours Madly, and a crackerjack team of
Minion cinema buffs led by Minion # 33-⅓, codenamed
"Buddhameister-Meisterbuddha." Minion #33-⅓ has asked that I report
that he has disavowed any connection to my "reckless" comments regarding
Beyonce, her terrible acting, and the atrocity that was her musical
"contribution" to an already terrible movie. He reportedly fears the
retributive sting of some entity that he refers to only as "The Bee
Swarm." While he may be a pansy, his cinematic knowhow makes him worth
keeping around and I will therefore honor his request. I, however, stand
by all that I have said, and I have an endless supply of Raid. Bring
it.
{MINION 33-⅓'s NOTE: I am *not* a pansy; I am allergic to bee stings and I don't have an Epi-pen.}
No comments:
Post a Comment