Blog 32: Holy Frak! I've been cloned!

As you all may know, I was recently kidnapped (don't look at me like that, she had Skittles and Slurpees!) who took me to an undisclosed location and performed all manner of tortures upon my poor self, up to and including locking me in a room with absolutely nothing to do. The horror! The sadism! The sheer diabolic evil!

Ahem.
So, after my spectacular escape and subsequent return to this dimension, I put a tremendous amount of effort into discovering who this woman is and why she kidnapped my super-cool-awesome self. I must admit that I failed. I was unable to discover this beguiling femme fatale's identity. It chafes my 'nads that this is so, but I am willing to admit when I am bested.

However! All is not lost! I may have failed in my search, but I have an uncountable army of Minions who are eager to fulfill my every whim! One of them, Minion #237, code-named Krylane, recently presented me with an image that startled me to my core -- the spitting image of my own adorable self taken straight from the digital world! After some quick follow-up research, I learned that the image came from an apparently famous game called "Animal Crossing." It turns out that all those electrodes she hooked up to me were to brain-scan me! The witchy temptress cloned me and stuck me in a videogame!

If you wish to see this, look for the character that shares my name -- you can't miss me! Wolfish good looks, leather jacket, Alpha mentality -- you'll recognize me as soon as you see me.

I understand that you will need some background information about your favourite Evil Genius so you'll understand the gravity of the situation we now find ourselves in. Thus, as always, your Mad Cheshire is happy to present my Strangers with a history lesson!

In 1376ce, an unprecedented meeting of the greatest superpowers of the world -- Good Guys and Bad Guys both -- came together to determine the fate of the world. In what would come to be known as The World's Fate Treatise, it was acknowledged as fact by both sides that there will always be Evil Geniuses, Supervillains, and various Nogood'niks who will always seek to rule the world, take cities hostage, steal everyone's left sock, or otherwise get up to all manner of hijinks just for shits & giggles. Likewise, there will always be Superheroes, Do-gooders, and Various Busybodies who will oppose them and seek to ruin their fun. This constant bid for power was termed "The Game." After much posturing, arguing, and threats of unmitigated destruction on both sides, everyone agreed that The Game must always remain fair -- mainly so that when one side ultimately wins, the other side can't assign an asterisk to the victory and cheapen it with their pettiness.

(Example: "Oh boo hoo! You only rule the world because you set off a MegaNuke that nobody even knew you had! Waaaahh")

Like any super powerful entity intent on achieving victory, everybody wants their victory to be absolute and above contestation. So rules were set in place. In exchange for keeping The Game fair, the other side will accept the victory of their opponent. Unfair use of power would be an acknowledgement of both fear and capitulation to the side such force was used against.

Get it? Got it? Good! Now you've learned something!

Fast forward to today. I have never made any secret about my designs on this wonderful word of ours -- I will accept nothing less than total world domination! I am utterly confident that the world will be a much better place to live in once everyone realizes that I have the right idea and just does as I say. Simply put, I will outlaw all the bad stuff and make sure everyone is happy. It's really not that complicated, people. But now is not the time for my manifesto.

The Worldwide Alliance of Superheroes is well aware of my designs, and they are well aware that I am more than capable of achieving my goals. In accordance with The World's Fate Treatise, they can't upend the gameboard we are playing by, say, nuking the general location they know I am in. Likewise, for them to simply put a bullet in my head just because they know I intend to take over the world would be the same as admitting they know I would succeed and admitting defeat, which would mean I win!

For me to keep up my part of the Treatise, it has been ruled that I am not allowed to clone myself in any way, shape, or form. Me having twice as much brainpower (or more) at my disposal would be considered an unfair use of my power.

You can see now my dilemma. As David Wong has said before, you need to understand that none of this is my fault! Nintendo cloned me against my will! I disavow any part of their cloning me -- I don't think they even know how dangerous it is to have a digital copy of my mind running loose in the Internet!

So, you busybody chowder heads, you want to wipe out my bastard clone, go ahead -- make my millennium. But I'd be careful if I were you: if you miss, you'll have a pissed off part of my mind with nothing to lose and out for revenge to deal with. You think _Ultron_ was bad? You ain't seen nothing yet! Alpha!