BLOG 31: Abducted!

 Okay, is this the right dimension? Did I get it right this time? Ye Gods, if I ended up in another universe run by idiots with their finger hovering over the Nuke'Em'All Button just begging for an excuse...what's that? AGAIN?! Then get me the frak out of here! Wait -- What? This one still has Rocky Road?

...

...Okay then. I'll stick around. For now.

Okay, Cats & Kittens, I know I've been MIA -- my Minions say it's been over a year since last I gave you a booster shot of Strangeness; but like David Wong said, it's very important you understand that none of this was my fault. Don't you worry, though: what I have to tell you will more than make up for the absence, and I've got plenty more to come!

So! About where I've been: You know how when you were younger your parents told you never to accept candy from strangers or get into a car with one? Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh...turns out that the same goes for when a super cute Japanese girl invites you into her Ferrari for a joyride complete with Skittles and Slurpees -- trust me, it's a trap!

Turns out said hottie had access to some serious pharmaceutical-grade knockout drugs. If not for my lifelong involuntary inoculation of various psychotropics that have helped me build a resistance to such things, it would've put me out like a light! I'll give her credit, though: when whatever she put in the Slurpee didn't do the trick, her knife-edge chop to my throat followed by her right cross certainly did!

When I woke up, I was in a sterile white room, strapped to a table with all kinds of neat wires and electrodes hooked up to my head. I would like to tell you this was the first time I've been in that kind of situation, but, of the many things you can describe me as, a liar is not one of them.

What followed was an interminable period of painful, mindwracking torture the likes of which defy the vernacular conventions to describe. By the time that Japanese hottie came in with her team of scientists, I was ready to give her the codes to my best Doomsday device if she would just read me the owner's manual to her iPhone!

{Minion's note: What Master Cheshire is saying here is that he was left in a room all by himself with nobody to talk to and nothing to do. According to our biometric tracking data, the "interminable" period of time between Master Cheshire's regaining consciousness and becoming aroused at the site of his admittedly bewitching captor was approximately 5 minutes, 21 seconds}

I could fill the rest of this with the hours of excruciating, deeply penetrating violations of my brain and privacy that occurred as my cruel captor funneled my brainscan into her computer while explaining what delightful plans she had for the world using my extremely potent and chaotic intellect (Oh Gods, I just realized she was monologuing! She's a Supervillain too!) but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm just going to skip to the part where I managed to escape because my loyal Minions showed up Rambo-style and threw a Quantum Grenade into the room. By a weird quirk of metaphysics and my own SEP field, I ended up shunted into another dimension, and have been trying to get back for the last several months.

You know that crap in movies where they go on a kickass time traveling alternate reality adventure and finally return to their own timeline/universe to find no time has passed in their own timeline?

Absolute bullshit.