Over the last year and a half I have been working
with Bethany Jones, cohost of The Pros & Cons, a really top notch
true-crime podcast that focuses on the story that sensationalist media
jackal -whores don't bother with. Where the media focuses solely on the
gore and the horror of the crime, and sensationalizes what should be
treated with dignity and respect, Bethany and her cohost Adrianna focus
their attention on how things got to the point where they became so bad,
and also what happened after the verdict was handed down and the media
stopped paying attention, turning their attention to whatever new
tragedy they could exploit for ratings.
In the time that I worked
with her, Bethany never once even attempted to draw me into any kind of
discussion that even hinted at sensationalism. From the beginning she
handled the Tragedy of Dr. Schwartz's death with the utmost respect. She
never once downplayed my role in what happened, but at the same time
she didn't treat me like a monster either. I quickly came to understand
why she has earned the moniker The Inmate Whisperer.
I have
given a lot of thought about what to say to encourage you to tune in,
but at the end of the Night, I think the interview will speak for
itself. It requires no gilding of the lilly from me. Those of who follow
me here, you know me. You know how I feel about the media, and you know
I wouldn't consent to an interview if there was any possibility they
would handle it in any way other than how it deserved. I hope you will
listen to it, I hope that it helps you in some way, and I hope you will
share it with everyone you know who might need it.
Spread the word, Cats & Kittens. We have to stop the Beast.
LINKS
```````````
www.mouthoffnetwork.com/the-pros-and-cons-podcast
podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/022-dr-robert-schwartz-part-one/id1248179183?i=1000438140572
podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/023-kyle-hulbert-interview-part-two/id1248179183?i=1000438140571
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Blog #28: Cockroaches In The Matrix
Hey, Cats & Kittens!
Pop quiz! But I swear this will be more fun than grade school math!
Question: What do you get when you mix dry cereal, poor pest control, and a chow hall overseer who really doesn't give a frak about what she feeds her captive inmates?
Answer: A ruined breakfast, a need for immediate tooth brushing, and the latest in my dripping brain matter style of poetry!
Cockroaches In The Matrix
I have no legs I have no legs I have no legs please don't step on me!
Cockroaches masquerading as Cap'n Crunch
Crunchy carapaces crunching on my molars
My molars might make a mighty mess
There is no spoon
There is cereal, but there is no spoon
There is milk but it is soy milk
Spoiled soy milk
Spoiled soy milk curdles
Curdles like my brain when I listen to drivel
Drivel drips out my ears and stains my shirt
I need to change my shirt but I only have the one
The One is not enough to stop the spread of the Many
Agent Smith is the Many
There is no spoon but there is the Many
Many, Many, Many, Many, Many, Many, Many
"Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me"
"Me too!"
One from Many
There is no spoon
I'll eat my cereal dry
Damn cockroaches
The preceding has been a stream of consciousness sponsored by Cheshire Industries, the Multiverse's only source of The Strangeness, and is brought to you by the brain matter I've just splattered across your screen. Your welcome!
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
Pop quiz! But I swear this will be more fun than grade school math!
Question: What do you get when you mix dry cereal, poor pest control, and a chow hall overseer who really doesn't give a frak about what she feeds her captive inmates?
Answer: A ruined breakfast, a need for immediate tooth brushing, and the latest in my dripping brain matter style of poetry!
Cockroaches In The Matrix
I have no legs I have no legs I have no legs please don't step on me!
Cockroaches masquerading as Cap'n Crunch
Crunchy carapaces crunching on my molars
My molars might make a mighty mess
There is no spoon
There is cereal, but there is no spoon
There is milk but it is soy milk
Spoiled soy milk
Spoiled soy milk curdles
Curdles like my brain when I listen to drivel
Drivel drips out my ears and stains my shirt
I need to change my shirt but I only have the one
The One is not enough to stop the spread of the Many
Agent Smith is the Many
There is no spoon but there is the Many
Many, Many, Many, Many, Many, Many, Many
"Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me"
"Me too!"
One from Many
There is no spoon
I'll eat my cereal dry
Damn cockroaches
The preceding has been a stream of consciousness sponsored by Cheshire Industries, the Multiverse's only source of The Strangeness, and is brought to you by the brain matter I've just splattered across your screen. Your welcome!
I am The Kyle and I approved this message!
Wednesday, April 17, 2019
Blog #27: An Awesome Kind of Validation
Hey, Ezio, my tiny Dude, this one's for you!
I Love Origami. It is a skill sets I've devoted years of work to mastering. I find it so awesome to take a square piece of paper and make something cool out of it. And they make great gifts! When my Mother's favourite parrot Bizzy Bird died, her other parrot Pow Bird was lonely. So I folded a parrot for her to sit outside his cage, and Pow Bird now talks to the paper Bizzy Bird as if he'd never left!
A few weeks ago, one of my closest friends, Wolf, asked me to fold a few models for his five-year-old Nephew, Ezio. Ezio has autism, and Wolf thought that Origami folds would be something new that he'd enjoy.
I folded about a half-dozen models for Ezio, among them a Fox -- one of my personal favourites. I was told after they arrived that Ezio Loved them, and I was happy to hear it. I thought that was the end of that. Good deed done, Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Thoughts of super-cool-awesome Yesness all around! Yayness!
...Yeah, if only! In The Kyle's world, it's never that simple!
Imagine my surprise when, about two weeks later, Wolf approaches me and asks me if I can make another Fox for Ezio. Of course I immediately agreed and inquired as to why (as a matter of pure curiosity) Wolf wanted me to fold another Fox. Wolf informed me that Ezio has decided that the Fox I folded for him belongs in his hand. At ALL times! According to his Mother, Ezio now comes home from Kindergarten, drops his backpack, and picks up two things which then do not leave his hands for any reason without the Universe suffering a Space-Brat scale tantrum: his tablet and the Fox! As a result of the constant death grip he has on his favourite Origami model, it's gotten a little...grubby. ^_^ You know how five year olds are when they decide something is their favourite.
So of course I'm going to fold him another Fox. In fact, until he decides he doesn't want any more, I'm going to fold as many Foxes as he can strangle with his adorable little death grip!
But here's the thing. When I folded the models for him, I had no idea he'd take to them so keenly, or that they'd mean so much to him. I mean, I folded them as a gift to a child I don't know, because a close friend asked me to. It's not the first time I've folded by request (I tell all my pen pals that if they send me the instructions I'll fold them anything they want!), but this is the first time I've been told my folds meant so much to someone else. All it is is a paper model with a cute face drawn on it, and it's become little Ezio's favourite thing in the world.
This has caused me to stop and think. Honestly, I've never felt so validated in my life! Like anyone else, I've always wanted to be acknowledged for the skill sets I've devoted so much of my time to mastering, but Ezio is the most unexpected source of validation I could have ever imagined!
Leave it to a five year old to make all the hours you've spent learning to fold tiny squares of paper into animals worth every single second, and make every papecut you've ever suffered a worthwhile sacrifice.
Today, Thursday, VII ii 2018ce, for his unknowing gift of making me feel as awesome as The Minions movie, I and everyone here at Cheshire Industries enthusiastically salute Ezio as one of the truest, hoopiest froods ever to don a pair of Baby Sketchers, and certainly 27 kinds of super-cool-awesome that easily leaves all other kiddies choking in his dust. Ezio is definitely our kind of mini-people!
The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by one hell of a super-cool-awesome kid named Ezio; Origami Lovers everywhere; and is brought to you by the number 5. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
I Love Origami. It is a skill sets I've devoted years of work to mastering. I find it so awesome to take a square piece of paper and make something cool out of it. And they make great gifts! When my Mother's favourite parrot Bizzy Bird died, her other parrot Pow Bird was lonely. So I folded a parrot for her to sit outside his cage, and Pow Bird now talks to the paper Bizzy Bird as if he'd never left!
A few weeks ago, one of my closest friends, Wolf, asked me to fold a few models for his five-year-old Nephew, Ezio. Ezio has autism, and Wolf thought that Origami folds would be something new that he'd enjoy.
I folded about a half-dozen models for Ezio, among them a Fox -- one of my personal favourites. I was told after they arrived that Ezio Loved them, and I was happy to hear it. I thought that was the end of that. Good deed done, Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Thoughts of super-cool-awesome Yesness all around! Yayness!
...Yeah, if only! In The Kyle's world, it's never that simple!
Imagine my surprise when, about two weeks later, Wolf approaches me and asks me if I can make another Fox for Ezio. Of course I immediately agreed and inquired as to why (as a matter of pure curiosity) Wolf wanted me to fold another Fox. Wolf informed me that Ezio has decided that the Fox I folded for him belongs in his hand. At ALL times! According to his Mother, Ezio now comes home from Kindergarten, drops his backpack, and picks up two things which then do not leave his hands for any reason without the Universe suffering a Space-Brat scale tantrum: his tablet and the Fox! As a result of the constant death grip he has on his favourite Origami model, it's gotten a little...grubby. ^_^ You know how five year olds are when they decide something is their favourite.
So of course I'm going to fold him another Fox. In fact, until he decides he doesn't want any more, I'm going to fold as many Foxes as he can strangle with his adorable little death grip!
But here's the thing. When I folded the models for him, I had no idea he'd take to them so keenly, or that they'd mean so much to him. I mean, I folded them as a gift to a child I don't know, because a close friend asked me to. It's not the first time I've folded by request (I tell all my pen pals that if they send me the instructions I'll fold them anything they want!), but this is the first time I've been told my folds meant so much to someone else. All it is is a paper model with a cute face drawn on it, and it's become little Ezio's favourite thing in the world.
This has caused me to stop and think. Honestly, I've never felt so validated in my life! Like anyone else, I've always wanted to be acknowledged for the skill sets I've devoted so much of my time to mastering, but Ezio is the most unexpected source of validation I could have ever imagined!
Leave it to a five year old to make all the hours you've spent learning to fold tiny squares of paper into animals worth every single second, and make every papecut you've ever suffered a worthwhile sacrifice.
Today, Thursday, VII ii 2018ce, for his unknowing gift of making me feel as awesome as The Minions movie, I and everyone here at Cheshire Industries enthusiastically salute Ezio as one of the truest, hoopiest froods ever to don a pair of Baby Sketchers, and certainly 27 kinds of super-cool-awesome that easily leaves all other kiddies choking in his dust. Ezio is definitely our kind of mini-people!
The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by one hell of a super-cool-awesome kid named Ezio; Origami Lovers everywhere; and is brought to you by the number 5. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Blog #26: The Kisses For Hisses Initiative
After being inspired by a particularly daft cat named Psipsini Arkoudaki (see Blog #25: A Story About A Cat), I am hereby launching the Kisses For Hisses Initiative!
Random audience member: "What's that?"
Why, I'm glad you asked! The Kisses For Hisses Initiative is Cheshire Industries' latest innovation in pet care! It's the long overdue "next step" for cat videos, animal-themed memes, and the deluge of photos that have saturated the Internet.
Think about this: how often do you take humiliating photos of your animal companion? How many times have you put sunglasses on your doggy's butt using his tail as a wagging nose? How many absurd hats have you put on your cat? How many times have you gone viral with a video of your cat making a complete jackass of him- or herself? How many times a day do you Tweet about something your animal companion has done, and how often have your friends re-Tweeted your Tweet? And after their photos/Tweets/videos have been posted and lauded by the masses, how often have your animal companions received the adulation they deserve for being the source of our laughter and the sole reason we haven't descended into total anarchy and social collapse?
The answer is: NOT NEARLY ENOUGH!!!
UNACCEPTABLE!!!
The Kisses For Hisses Initiative is the answer! It's simple: when your animal companion has been made the focus of your latest Internet posting, show your undying appreciation by following these easy steps:
1) Pick up your animal companion like you are cradling a baby. Got a Great Dane? No problem! Just lay him on his side!
2) Proceed to kiss, cuddle, rub, and make cutesy baby noises until you animal cannot take the praise any longer. This process should take approximately 3 minutes minimum.
3) Keep your animal from escaping if they struggle or squirm -- that's just them being self-conscious, they'll get over it. They really do Love the attention and just need to put on a display to preserve their image.
4) You'll know that you've done this properly when your animal is growling and hissing and actively attempting to claw out your eyes! At that point you can safely release your animal companion until the next time you need to capture their antics and post them online.
SAFETY TIPS!
1) Don't bother with Kevlar: a cat's claws can rip through twenty layers without much effort. Instead, go for a butcher's chainmail apron.
2) Don't hang your snake companion from your neck when engaging in Kisses For Hisses. We here at Cheshire Industries have learned that snakes usually cut the exercise short when this is done by simply strangling their human. We've lost a few good Evil Minions that way...
3) While birds are usually not the hissing types, it has been observed that they are uncannily agile shots with their squirting bumholes. You'd be surprised at how much distance they can achieve when they're annoyed!
4) Dogs are unusually resistant to Kisses For Hisses; it is suspected they have no self consciousness to concern them selves with and may be the biggest attention whores of all. This matter is being investigated and future reports will be forthcoming.
DISCLAIMER:
Cheshire Industries is not responsible for fleas, worms, or other parasites and/or diseases any human may contract from their animal companion as a result of engaging in the Kisses For Hisses Initiative; nor will Cheshire Industries be liable for any missing eyes, ears, noses, tongues, or other bodily injury sustained during the participation of the same. Finally, Cheshire Industries maintains that if you're silly enough to rub your face in an aggravated cat's belly fur, you deserve what that cat's going to do to you and there is no jury on the planet that will disagree with us.
The proceeding has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries, and is sponsored by a particularly daft cat named Psipsini Arkoudaki, the humiliating animal media saturating the Internet, the desire for animals to get some get-back, and the number of people who are bound to participate in the Kisses For Hisses Initiative. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Blog #25: A Blog About A Cat
Cheshire Industries is a staunch Lover of animals
of all kinds, with a special place in our hearts for cats. So I couldn't
resist the chance to tell you all about a special cat who inspired the
Kisses For Hisses Initiative (See Blog #26: Kisses For Hisses).
I have a wonderful friend in the UK named Aliki. She is a one-of-a-kind, Anime-obsessed, cute-to-boot Gothy chick that this Mad Cheshire is lucky to have in his life. She has a cat named Psipsini Arkoudaki (A pretty Greek name that roughly translates to "Little Kitten Teddy Bear"), or Psipsi for short.
(For those of you not proficient in Greek, the phonetic pronunciation is "Sigh-sigh-nee Ark-oh-dak-ee". Yay linguistics!)
Like many people obsessed with all things cutsie who also happen to have a cat in their life, Aliki has a bad habit of utterly humiliating Psipsi by dressing him up, taking pictures, and then posting them to her friends. After sending me a few of these, it was clear that Psipsi's dignity had been obliterated. I mean, how's a cat to feel when his human places a mouse on his head and takes a picture?! Or buries him in Origami cranes? Or balances little stuffed animals on him when he's sleeping?
I wrote to Aliki appealing to her sense of compassion on Psipsi's behalf for his dignity. I told her I was prepared to launch #SavePsipsisDignity if that's what it took. I pointed out that the look in Psipsi's eyes was the soulless look an animal gets when it dies inside, which turns to tragedy for their human when, say, that animal decides to smother their human in their sleep. Or dart between their feet when they're at the top of a steep flight of stairs precariously balancing heavy packages.
To Aliki's credit, she saw the soulless look in Psipsi's eyes and relented. For two solid weeks, she resisted her need to cutsiefy her cat. She treated him with the dignity and respect his breed demands, and in all ways behaved as if the thought of humiliating her cat had never crossed her pretty pink head.
Psipsi, true to his cat nature, absolutely hated this new, dignified treatment of his person, and showed his displeasure when Aliki was preparing for an overnight trip to see her relatives. He sauntered into her room, climbed into her open suitcase on the bed, and, without taking his dead, soulless eyes from Aliki's, proceeded to take a long smelly and entirely deliberate piss right in her suitcase!
Psipsi has been housetrained since he was a kitten, and had never behaved in this fashion before. The only plausible explanation for his behaviour was simple, spiteful revenge.
Cats, huh?
As a result of this, Aliki returned to her previous ways with Psipsi and gone to new heights of humiliating him and savaging his dignity in the name of all things cute.
What has been learned here is that cats, those Beloved contrary furballs, may look miserable when their humans dress them up, and may disdain the way their humans capture their follies on camera for internet ratings, but in truth, they are cats and as such adore every moment of attention they receive. Truly, as has been demonstrated by Psipsi, they demand this attention, and woe be upon the foolish human who thinks to deprive them of their due fame. Like many humans, cats are whores for attention; their dignity is a paltry price to pay for the chance to be seen by the world in all their cat-glory.
And true to their cat nature, they'll never show the slightest appreciation to you for it, or let on in the slightest how much they adore the ooohs! and awwws! their humiliation inspires.
They are cats after all, and they have appearances to maintain.
The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by The Kisses For Hisses Initiative; a daft, soulless furball named Psipsini Arkoudaki; the pretty, cute-to-boot human who Loves him, and the number 9. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
I have a wonderful friend in the UK named Aliki. She is a one-of-a-kind, Anime-obsessed, cute-to-boot Gothy chick that this Mad Cheshire is lucky to have in his life. She has a cat named Psipsini Arkoudaki (A pretty Greek name that roughly translates to "Little Kitten Teddy Bear"), or Psipsi for short.
(For those of you not proficient in Greek, the phonetic pronunciation is "Sigh-sigh-nee Ark-oh-dak-ee". Yay linguistics!)
Like many people obsessed with all things cutsie who also happen to have a cat in their life, Aliki has a bad habit of utterly humiliating Psipsi by dressing him up, taking pictures, and then posting them to her friends. After sending me a few of these, it was clear that Psipsi's dignity had been obliterated. I mean, how's a cat to feel when his human places a mouse on his head and takes a picture?! Or buries him in Origami cranes? Or balances little stuffed animals on him when he's sleeping?
I wrote to Aliki appealing to her sense of compassion on Psipsi's behalf for his dignity. I told her I was prepared to launch #SavePsipsisDignity if that's what it took. I pointed out that the look in Psipsi's eyes was the soulless look an animal gets when it dies inside, which turns to tragedy for their human when, say, that animal decides to smother their human in their sleep. Or dart between their feet when they're at the top of a steep flight of stairs precariously balancing heavy packages.
To Aliki's credit, she saw the soulless look in Psipsi's eyes and relented. For two solid weeks, she resisted her need to cutsiefy her cat. She treated him with the dignity and respect his breed demands, and in all ways behaved as if the thought of humiliating her cat had never crossed her pretty pink head.
Psipsi, true to his cat nature, absolutely hated this new, dignified treatment of his person, and showed his displeasure when Aliki was preparing for an overnight trip to see her relatives. He sauntered into her room, climbed into her open suitcase on the bed, and, without taking his dead, soulless eyes from Aliki's, proceeded to take a long smelly and entirely deliberate piss right in her suitcase!
Psipsi has been housetrained since he was a kitten, and had never behaved in this fashion before. The only plausible explanation for his behaviour was simple, spiteful revenge.
Cats, huh?
As a result of this, Aliki returned to her previous ways with Psipsi and gone to new heights of humiliating him and savaging his dignity in the name of all things cute.
What has been learned here is that cats, those Beloved contrary furballs, may look miserable when their humans dress them up, and may disdain the way their humans capture their follies on camera for internet ratings, but in truth, they are cats and as such adore every moment of attention they receive. Truly, as has been demonstrated by Psipsi, they demand this attention, and woe be upon the foolish human who thinks to deprive them of their due fame. Like many humans, cats are whores for attention; their dignity is a paltry price to pay for the chance to be seen by the world in all their cat-glory.
And true to their cat nature, they'll never show the slightest appreciation to you for it, or let on in the slightest how much they adore the ooohs! and awwws! their humiliation inspires.
They are cats after all, and they have appearances to maintain.
The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by The Kisses For Hisses Initiative; a daft, soulless furball named Psipsini Arkoudaki; the pretty, cute-to-boot human who Loves him, and the number 9. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
Blog #24: A Dubious Honor
Hmmm...Okaaaay, interesting. Are they sure they got the right guy?
Included with this letter was a very well made certificate on quality card stock. It featured a very pretty view of what appears to be the old Gettysburg Battlefield and a Civil War-era cannon. The text reads:For outstanding commitment
to celebrating America's heritage
and sharing the lessons in leadership and sacrifice
that history has to offer
Kyle Hulbert
is hereby nominated for special recognition by the
Gettysburg Foundation, and trusted to help sustain vital
efforts to preserve the Gettysburg Battlefield, share this
historic treasure with future generations, and honor
President Lincoln's legacy of leadership in Gettysburg.
Wait a minute, what?!
Clearly, there's been a mistake -- anyone who knows me knows that I'm probably the last person in the world anyone would mistake for being someone who's "committed to America's heritage." And leadership? HA! The last time anyone followed my leadership we all ended up before Magnimar's council of magistrates trying to explain why we thought it was a good idea to crossbreed gremlins with goblins!
(In my defense, it seemed like a really good idea at the time; I just didn't think the city would get so bent out of shape about it!)
So basically, the Gettysburg Foundation has nominated me to give them money and take care of their battlefield. Great! That's only a couple steps away from sticking me up with a musket!
Despite that American History is not something I am terribly impassioned about, I read the rest of the letter The Gettysburg Foundation included with my Official Nomination Certificate, if only for its amusement value. Get this: in return for a "special tax-deductible gift of $35 or more," they will send me a Presidential Challenge Coin embossed with the face of President Lincoln, and I will enjoy the following benefits:
Free admission to the Cyclorama, Film and Museum Experience at the Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center;
A subscription to their quarterly newsletter, which includes special features from the Gettysburg Foundation and the Gettysburg National Military Park, informative historical articles _"and much more";
(Yep, no sales pitch is complete without promising "and much more!")
A 10% discount in the Museum Bookstore;
Discounts at local and national merchants through the Gettysburg Rewards program;
Discounts on public programs and invitations to member-only events; and
Special access to the memers-only section of the Gettysburg Foundation website.
WOW! All that for little ol' me? I feel so special! Oh, wait...
My prison won't allowe me to have the Presidential Challenge Coin;
I cannot go to the Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center, at least not without a whole lot of armed and highly pissed off U.S. Marshals on my ass;
I have no interest in reading their newsletter;
I seriously doubt their Museum Bookstore carries H. P. Lovecraft or Pathfinder books;
The Gettysburg Rewards program is unlikely to support the kinds of merchants I buy from;
Me showing up to their members-only events would be an issue, unless they're going to allow the aforementioned armed and highly pissed off U.S. Marshals to be my plus-ones;
I have no access to their website at all; and
If I had $35 or more that I didn't need to buy Commissary to keep my stomach from eating my spine, I'd either put it towards funding a legal defense to get my cute ass out of here, or I'd give it to the ASPCA. Snow Leopards definitely need my money more than the battlefield!
That said, if they were able to guarantee I could actually participate in all these neat-o perks they're offering me (especially without the risk of getting shot by US Marshals), I'd absolutely join their club. But seriously, they really should have put more thought into their pitch -- it says "RIVER NORTH CORRECTIONAL CENTER" on my address!
The lesson here today, cats & kittens, is that if you're going to try to flatter someone into giving you money, at least offer them something they can actually use. Otherwise, you'll end up being fodder for someone's Blog who has way too much free time on his hands to make fun of you for it!
The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by The Gettysburg Foundation's advertising department, who clearly don't bother reading the addresses they send their panhandling letters to; the obscene amount of boredom I have been suffering lately; and the number 35 Or More. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
Sunday, July 8, 2018
BLOG #23: MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!
We here at Cheshire Industries cannot abide
bullies, willful stupidity, or just plain impoliteness. After watching a
recent episode of Celebrity Undercover Boss featuring the curvaceous
Beauty Ashley Graham, I was particularly outraged by a certain person's
crude and completely unnaceptable behaviour towards her and her equally
curvaceous companion, Helei Amini (See Blog #22: The Awesomeness of
Ashley Graham).
In brief: In the June 2018 episode of Celebrity Undercover Boss featuring Ashley Graham, the VP of Operations at DAS Modeling Agency decided that he would show what an unbelievable jackass he could be by turning away a disguised Ashley Graham because, he said, giving measurements to girls of "her kind" (that is to say, curvy or "big" girls) was a waste of his time and money.
Aside from his inevitable embarrassment when he discovers that he turned away Ashley-frakking-Graham, a girl with the kinds of dangerous curves Lamborghinis dream of, I was so disgusted by his treatment of her and Helei Amini that I wanted to send my flying monkey friends from Flying Face-Humpers Anonymous to go see him. Sure, they'd fall off the wagon, but if anyone deserves to be face-humped by neurotic monkeys, it's that twatwaffle.
Now, while it is absolutely commendable that neither of these Beautiful women gave that boorish idiot a second thought, I'm not so forgiving. His behaviour is simply not acceptable. Luckily for him, I don't think it'd be ethical to enable my simian friends at FFHA to fall off the wagon just to satisfy my own sense of moral outrage, especially when they've all been doing so well lately. Le Sigh...
While watching the show, I wondered idly what the "DAS" in DAS Modeling Agency stands for. Since I cannot in good conscious arrange the frantic face-humping pelvic escapades he deserves, I've been amusing myself coming up with meanings for the company's name. The best one I came up with so far is:
It should_stand for "Digging All Sizes," but clearly they're Dumb As Shit.
If anyone else has any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them!
Seriously, though, people. What the frak is wrong with this world? Why do people think it is acceptable to be outrageous dicks to other people? In an era where you can communicate with literally the entire world in an instant, how can we as human beings still be so narrow sighted that something as insignificant as a person's weight or their skin colour or their sexual preferences can dictate how we treat them?
It's not right. If everyone put as much time in working out the problems of the world as they did in creating vicious and reprehensibly cruel memes about other people they don't even know, we wouldn't have nearly as frakked up a world as we do now.
So I'm throwing down the gauntlet. If you're reading this, I challenge you to go out of your way to do something nice today for a complete stranger. Do something to counteract this epidemic of nastiness in the world. And don't retweet shitty, abusive messages, memes, blogs, or other posts; don't give those nasties the fuel to spread their misery. If you can, delete those kinds of bilge whenever you find them (Ethical hackers, I'm talking to you!).
If I were in the Freeworld with you, I swear I'd have no reservations about dedicating my life to a campaign of online and Freeworld promotion of the kinds of positive messages that people like Ashley Graham, Lizzy Howell, Alexa Phelese, Helei Amini, and others like them have already begun to spread. I'd do it on my own if I had to, even if nobody else was helping me. But I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I can't be.
It's no enough to feel outraged by hatred and bullies, my friends. You have voices, use them. DO something!
The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by the hope that people will stop being outrageous dicks to one another; the dream of a time when people will put more time into encouraging each other than being cruel; and your local chapter of Flying Face-Humpers Anonymous. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I absolutely approve this message!
In brief: In the June 2018 episode of Celebrity Undercover Boss featuring Ashley Graham, the VP of Operations at DAS Modeling Agency decided that he would show what an unbelievable jackass he could be by turning away a disguised Ashley Graham because, he said, giving measurements to girls of "her kind" (that is to say, curvy or "big" girls) was a waste of his time and money.
Aside from his inevitable embarrassment when he discovers that he turned away Ashley-frakking-Graham, a girl with the kinds of dangerous curves Lamborghinis dream of, I was so disgusted by his treatment of her and Helei Amini that I wanted to send my flying monkey friends from Flying Face-Humpers Anonymous to go see him. Sure, they'd fall off the wagon, but if anyone deserves to be face-humped by neurotic monkeys, it's that twatwaffle.
Now, while it is absolutely commendable that neither of these Beautiful women gave that boorish idiot a second thought, I'm not so forgiving. His behaviour is simply not acceptable. Luckily for him, I don't think it'd be ethical to enable my simian friends at FFHA to fall off the wagon just to satisfy my own sense of moral outrage, especially when they've all been doing so well lately. Le Sigh...
While watching the show, I wondered idly what the "DAS" in DAS Modeling Agency stands for. Since I cannot in good conscious arrange the frantic face-humping pelvic escapades he deserves, I've been amusing myself coming up with meanings for the company's name. The best one I came up with so far is:
It should_stand for "Digging All Sizes," but clearly they're Dumb As Shit.
If anyone else has any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them!
Seriously, though, people. What the frak is wrong with this world? Why do people think it is acceptable to be outrageous dicks to other people? In an era where you can communicate with literally the entire world in an instant, how can we as human beings still be so narrow sighted that something as insignificant as a person's weight or their skin colour or their sexual preferences can dictate how we treat them?
It's not right. If everyone put as much time in working out the problems of the world as they did in creating vicious and reprehensibly cruel memes about other people they don't even know, we wouldn't have nearly as frakked up a world as we do now.
So I'm throwing down the gauntlet. If you're reading this, I challenge you to go out of your way to do something nice today for a complete stranger. Do something to counteract this epidemic of nastiness in the world. And don't retweet shitty, abusive messages, memes, blogs, or other posts; don't give those nasties the fuel to spread their misery. If you can, delete those kinds of bilge whenever you find them (Ethical hackers, I'm talking to you!).
If I were in the Freeworld with you, I swear I'd have no reservations about dedicating my life to a campaign of online and Freeworld promotion of the kinds of positive messages that people like Ashley Graham, Lizzy Howell, Alexa Phelese, Helei Amini, and others like them have already begun to spread. I'd do it on my own if I had to, even if nobody else was helping me. But I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I can't be.
It's no enough to feel outraged by hatred and bullies, my friends. You have voices, use them. DO something!
The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by the hope that people will stop being outrageous dicks to one another; the dream of a time when people will put more time into encouraging each other than being cruel; and your local chapter of Flying Face-Humpers Anonymous. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I absolutely approve this message!
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