Blog #25: A Blog About A Cat

Cheshire Industries is a staunch Lover of animals of all kinds, with a special place in our hearts for cats. So I couldn't resist the chance to tell you all about a special cat who inspired the Kisses For Hisses Initiative (See Blog #26: Kisses For Hisses).

I have a wonderful friend in the UK named Aliki. She is a one-of-a-kind, Anime-obsessed, cute-to-boot Gothy chick that this Mad Cheshire is lucky to have in his life. She has a cat named Psipsini Arkoudaki (A pretty Greek name that roughly translates to "Little Kitten Teddy Bear"), or Psipsi for short.

(For those of you not proficient in Greek, the phonetic pronunciation is "Sigh-sigh-nee Ark-oh-dak-ee". Yay linguistics!)

Like many people obsessed with all things cutsie who also happen to have a cat in their life, Aliki has a bad habit of utterly humiliating Psipsi by dressing him up, taking pictures, and then posting them to her friends. After sending me a few of these, it was clear that Psipsi's dignity had been obliterated. I mean, how's a cat to feel when his human places a mouse on his head and takes a picture?! Or buries him in Origami cranes? Or balances little stuffed animals on him when he's sleeping?

I wrote to Aliki appealing to her sense of compassion on Psipsi's behalf for his dignity. I told her I was prepared to launch #SavePsipsisDignity if that's what it took. I pointed out that the look in Psipsi's eyes was the soulless look an animal gets when it dies inside, which turns to tragedy for their human when, say, that animal decides to smother their human in their sleep. Or dart between their feet when they're at the top of a steep flight of stairs precariously balancing heavy packages.

To Aliki's credit, she saw the soulless look in Psipsi's eyes and relented. For two solid weeks, she resisted her need to cutsiefy her cat. She treated him with the dignity and respect his breed demands, and in all ways behaved as if the thought of humiliating her cat had never crossed her pretty pink head.

Psipsi, true to his cat nature, absolutely hated this new, dignified treatment of his person, and showed his displeasure when Aliki was preparing for an overnight trip to see her relatives. He sauntered into her room, climbed into her open suitcase on the bed, and, without taking his dead, soulless eyes from Aliki's, proceeded to take a long smelly and entirely deliberate piss right in her suitcase!

Psipsi has been housetrained since he was a kitten, and had never behaved in this fashion before. The only plausible explanation for his behaviour was simple, spiteful revenge.

Cats, huh?

As a result of this, Aliki returned to her previous ways with Psipsi and gone to new heights of humiliating him and savaging his dignity in the name of all things cute.

What has been learned here is that cats, those Beloved contrary furballs, may look miserable when their humans dress them up, and may disdain the way their humans capture their follies on camera for internet ratings, but in truth, they are cats and as such adore every moment of attention they receive. Truly, as has been demonstrated by Psipsi, they demand this attention, and woe be upon the foolish human who thinks to deprive them of their due fame. Like many humans, cats are whores for attention; their dignity is a paltry price to pay for the chance to be seen by the world in all their cat-glory.

And true to their cat nature, they'll never show the slightest appreciation to you for it, or let on in the slightest how much they adore the ooohs! and awwws! their humiliation inspires.

They are cats after all, and they have appearances to maintain.

The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by The Kisses For Hisses Initiative; a daft, soulless furball named Psipsini Arkoudaki; the pretty, cute-to-boot human who Loves him, and the number 9. Thank you.

I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!

Blog #24: A Dubious Honor

Recently I received something in the mail which surprised the ever-loving frak out of me. I have apparently become the recipient of a very prestigious honor from The Gettysburg Foundation: I have been nominated to be featured in their Battlefield Registry, which, according to the letter they wrote me, is "an interactive resource, reserved exclusively for our supporters, that is on display at the Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center."

Hmmm...Okaaaay, interesting. Are they sure they got the right guy?

Included with this letter was a very well made certificate on quality card stock. It featured a very pretty view of what appears to be the old Gettysburg Battlefield and a Civil War-era cannon. The text reads:For outstanding commitment
to celebrating America's heritage
and sharing the lessons in leadership and sacrifice
that history has to offer

Kyle Hulbert

is hereby nominated for special recognition by the
Gettysburg Foundation, and trusted to help sustain vital
efforts to preserve the Gettysburg Battlefield, share this
historic treasure with future generations, and honor
President Lincoln's legacy of leadership in Gettysburg.

Wait a minute, what?!

Clearly, there's been a mistake -- anyone who knows me knows that I'm probably the last person in the world anyone would mistake for being someone who's "committed to America's heritage." And leadership? HA! The last time anyone followed my leadership we all ended up before Magnimar's council of magistrates trying to explain why we thought it was a good idea to crossbreed gremlins with goblins!

(In my defense, it seemed like a really good idea at the time; I just didn't think the city would get so bent out of shape about it!)

So basically, the Gettysburg Foundation has nominated me to give them money and take care of their battlefield. Great! That's only a couple steps away from sticking me up with a musket!

Despite that American History is not something I am terribly impassioned about, I read the rest of the letter The Gettysburg Foundation included with my Official Nomination Certificate, if only for its amusement value. Get this: in return for a "special tax-deductible gift of $35 or more," they will send me a Presidential Challenge Coin embossed with the face of President Lincoln, and I will enjoy the following benefits:
 
     Free admission to the Cyclorama, Film and Museum Experience at the Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center;
    
 A subscription to their quarterly newsletter, which includes special features from the Gettysburg Foundation and the Gettysburg National Military Park, informative historical articles _"and much more";

(Yep, no sales pitch is complete without promising "and much more!")
 
    A 10% discount in the Museum Bookstore;
   
    Discounts at local and national merchants through the Gettysburg Rewards program;
 
    Discounts on public programs and invitations to member-only events; and
    
    Special access to the memers-only section of the Gettysburg Foundation website.

WOW! All that for little ol' me? I feel so special! Oh, wait...
     
     My prison won't allowe me to have the Presidential Challenge Coin;
   
     I cannot go to the Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center, at least not without a whole lot of armed and highly pissed off U.S. Marshals on my ass;
 
     I have no interest in reading their newsletter;
 
     I seriously doubt their Museum Bookstore carries H. P. Lovecraft or Pathfinder books;
 
     The Gettysburg Rewards program is unlikely to support the kinds of merchants I buy from;
 
     Me showing up to their members-only events would be an issue, unless they're going to allow the aforementioned armed and highly pissed off U.S. Marshals to be my plus-ones;
 
    I have no access to their website at all; and
 
    If I had $35 or more that I didn't need to buy Commissary to keep my stomach from eating my spine, I'd either put it towards funding a legal defense to get my cute ass out of here, or I'd give it to the ASPCA. Snow Leopards definitely need my money more than the battlefield!

That said, if they were able to guarantee I could actually participate in all these neat-o perks they're offering me (especially without the risk of getting shot by US Marshals), I'd absolutely join their club. But seriously, they really should have put more thought into their pitch -- it says "RIVER NORTH CORRECTIONAL CENTER" on my address!

The lesson here today, cats & kittens, is that if you're going to try to flatter someone into giving you money, at least offer them something they can actually use. Otherwise, you'll end up being fodder for someone's Blog who has way too much free time on his hands to make fun of you for it!

The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by The Gettysburg Foundation's advertising department, who clearly don't bother reading the addresses they send their panhandling letters to; the obscene amount of boredom I have been suffering lately; and the number 35 Or More. Thank you.

I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!

BLOG #23: MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

We here at Cheshire Industries cannot abide bullies, willful stupidity, or just plain impoliteness. After watching a recent episode of Celebrity Undercover Boss featuring the curvaceous Beauty Ashley Graham, I was particularly outraged by a certain person's crude and completely unnaceptable behaviour towards her and her equally curvaceous companion, Helei Amini (See Blog #22: The Awesomeness of Ashley Graham).

In brief: In the June 2018 episode of Celebrity Undercover Boss featuring Ashley Graham, the VP of Operations at DAS Modeling Agency decided that he would show what an unbelievable jackass he could be by turning away a disguised Ashley Graham because, he said, giving measurements to girls of "her kind" (that is to say, curvy or "big" girls) was a waste of his time and money.

Aside from his inevitable embarrassment when he discovers that he turned away Ashley-frakking-Graham, a girl with the kinds of dangerous curves Lamborghinis dream of, I was so disgusted by his treatment of her and Helei Amini that I wanted to send my flying monkey friends from Flying Face-Humpers Anonymous to go see him. Sure, they'd fall off the wagon, but if anyone deserves to be face-humped by neurotic monkeys, it's that twatwaffle.

Now, while it is absolutely commendable that neither of these Beautiful women gave that boorish idiot a second thought, I'm not so forgiving. His behaviour is simply not acceptable. Luckily for him, I don't think it'd be ethical to enable my simian friends at FFHA to fall off the wagon just to satisfy my own sense of moral outrage, especially when they've all been doing so well lately. Le Sigh...

While watching the show, I wondered idly what the "DAS" in DAS Modeling Agency stands for. Since I cannot in good conscious arrange the frantic face-humping pelvic escapades he deserves, I've been amusing myself coming up with meanings for the company's name. The best one I came up with so far is:

It should_stand for "Digging All Sizes," but clearly they're Dumb As Shit.

If anyone else has any ideas, I'd be happy to hear them!

Seriously, though, people. What the frak is wrong with this world? Why do people think it is acceptable to be outrageous dicks to other people? In an era where you can communicate with literally the entire world in an instant, how can we as human beings still be so narrow sighted that something as insignificant as a person's weight or their skin colour or their sexual preferences can dictate how we treat them?

It's not right. If everyone put as much time in working out the problems of the world as they did in creating vicious and reprehensibly cruel memes about other people they don't even know, we wouldn't have nearly as frakked up a world as we do now.

So I'm throwing down the gauntlet. If you're reading this, I challenge you to go out of your way to do something nice today for a complete stranger. Do something to counteract this epidemic of nastiness in the world. And don't retweet shitty, abusive messages, memes, blogs, or other posts; don't give those nasties the fuel to spread their misery. If you can, delete those kinds of bilge whenever you find them (Ethical hackers, I'm talking to you!).

If I were in the Freeworld with you, I swear I'd have no reservations about dedicating my life to a campaign of online and Freeworld promotion of the kinds of positive messages that people like Ashley Graham, Lizzy Howell, Alexa Phelese, Helei Amini, and others like them have already begun to spread. I'd do it on my own if I had to, even if nobody else was helping me. But I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I can't be.

It's no enough to feel outraged by hatred and bullies, my friends. You have voices, use them. DO something!

The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by the hope that people will stop being outrageous dicks to one another; the dream of a time when people will put more time into encouraging each other than being cruel; and your local chapter of Flying Face-Humpers Anonymous. Thank you.

I AM The Kyle and I absolutely approve this message!

BLOG #22: THE AWESOMENESS OF ASHLEY GRAHAM

Last week while I was flipping channels, I came across something that really blew me away, and I wanted to share it with all of you.

There's this show that I have only ever heard about called _Celebrity Undercover Boss._ Apparently, these celebrity types dress up and infiltrate the lives of other people to see what they're actually like. I used to think that part of the allure for celebrities was to see how everyday people would treat them if they didn't know they were celebrities. But that's another Blog.

As a rule, I don't really watch a lot of reality shows. Usually it seems to be an excuse for attention seeking idiots to try to outdo each other in being idiots. There are a few exceptions, but not many. This episode was definitely an exception.

In this episode, Ashley Graham -- an amazingly gorgeous supermodel with curves to die for -- had gone undercover and met with three different people. I am sorry to say I missed the first segment. The second segment, however, featured a wonderful woman named Helei Amini: a plus-sized model originally from Afghanistan who grew up in Fargo, North Dakota. Aside from the fact that Helei is a frakking knockout, she was also sweet as sugar and as personable as a person can be. She and Ashley (going by the name of Morgan) met at a place called DAS Modeling Agency. Ashely was pretending to be new to modeling and to have no idea what to do. Helei immediately began talking to Ashley about the process, and they discussed Helei's background, how she got into modeling, etc. The two of them were the only curvy girls in the room, and I was pretty disgusted by the looks the other "conventional-sized" models gave them.
 
(I would like to take a moment to address any "conventional-sized" model-types who might read this: it doesn't matter how Beautiful you may be, when you give shitty_ "what-the hell-is-that-whale-doing-in-here?" looks to big girls who walk into the same modeling agency you happen to be in, you're not just being uglier than a Vogon's backside, you're also being a galactic-scale bitch as well)

The two of them get called in, and the woman who initially speaks to them is nice enough and offers to get Ashley's measurements. When she does, this guy -- the VP of Operations, who was apparently running the place -- started giving the nice woman a cup full of crap over her even giving these two curvy girls the time of day! When Ashley asks him if everything is okay, he proceeds to tell her in the shittiest possible way that he does not want them wasting his time.

Okay, I grok. I would never begrudge a person for their preferences, especially when you're running a business. By that I mean if your agency focuses on "conventional" looks, that's your choice (and, in my exalted opinion, your loss); but at least have the decency to not be a complete dickwad twatwaffle about it! There is no excuse for talking to these two like they're something foul that you're scraping off your boot.

Never mind that idiot. Ashley and her new friend leave and go eat, where, to her new friend's credit, she reveals that she doesn't ever let people like this VP douche-nozzle get under her skin.

In the next segment, I was really happy to see that Askley Graham was going to meet a girl all of you have probably seen on the Internet long before I saw her on an AT&T commercial: Lizzy Howell, a young girl of size who can pirouette like any size 2 I've ever seen! During that segment, this girl helps Ashley in a dance class (even lending her tights and a bra!). Ballet is this Beautiful young girl's life, and she definitely has the skill to make it. All Lizzy needs is someone to give her that chance, and you'll see her rocket to ballet superstardom!

The best part of this entire segment was that Lizzy seemed completely oblivious to the monumentally positive message her video had on girls all over the world. To her, she was just doing what she always does, every day. She wasn't trying to make a statement, or send a message; she just Loves to dance, and that's all she was doing. It was the world that made her video go viral, because it was the world that took Lizzy's dance video to heart and saw in it a message and an inspiration for anyone who has ever been uncomfortable with their body. To her, though, it was just another day of dance class. I Love that!

At the end of the show, Ashley Graham revealed herself to her three subjects and then proceeded to help each them in the way they needed most. Each of the three people whose lives she infiltrated have been changed forever, and the message she instilled with this episode is that good things do happen to good people.

I absolutely adore what Ashley Graham did for these three. Anyone who reads this Blog needs to search out the Ashley Graham episode of Celebrity Undercover Boss and watch it.

Finally, though I didn't see the first segment, the woman Ashley helps is named Alexa Phelese; she is the founder of the nonprofit organization Every Body Deserves Love. Ashley Graham helped her get it a much needed boost.

You have got to check out her website and spread the word to your friends:

www.everybodydeserveslove.org

(Alexa, I you're reading this, I'm really sorry I didn't catch the first part of this episode. I am waiting for the repeat, since I don't have a TiVo! ^_^)

As for DAS Modeling Agency's VP of Operations, once you've seen the episode, I am sure you will want to give him a piece of your mind. Give him a piece of mine, too!

Seriously, Cats & Kittens and Truly Hoopy Froods, you need to see this episode.


_The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries, Lovers of all things super-cool-awesome; and is sponsored by unexpected inspiration from unlikely sources; channel surfing; and my Love of feminine Beauty in all its forms, especially curvy ones. Thank you._

I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!

Blog #21 The Mad Cheshire Returns!

      Hey there, cats and kittens and truly hoopy froods! I know I've been incommunicado for a year now. The last any of you heard from me (in Ohana Means Family), my crazy little world had been thrown into turmoil. My heart had been atomized when my Lifemate broke up with me, cast me out of the polyamorous family we were supposed to be building together, and generally frakked my head up something righteously fierce. After writing Ohana Means Family, I really didn't have it in me to work on much of anything. It wasn't very fun being me at that time. All the joy in the world had kinda skipped out on me, you know?
 
       In the year since last I uploaded Strangeness here, my heart has mended. I have had all kinds of way cool adventures, and I even managed to have a pretty wonderful romance with a Beautiful, Purple-Headed Princess before that bleeding prick, the Dragon of Insurmountable Time, took her captive and forced us to return to a platonic relationship. But the Dragon of Insurmountable Time couldn't keep the Princess of Purple Hair entirely out of my life -- she and I are still good friends. So, pththththtlp! to the Dragon of Insurmountable Time!
 
        Along the way, I've picked up a number of super-cool-awesome friends that have decided that the Mad Cheshire is simply too adorable to not have in their lives! ^_^ There's been a British Anime Cutie, a Bat in a Snowstorm, a Rabbit Enchantress, a mated pair of Witchy Ravens, and an elderly Witch who Loves my Origami. They have all deliberately exposed themselves to The Strangeness (frak me if I know why!), while going out of their way to make my life significantly richer for their presence in it. At the same time, they've been responsible for getting me back to my super-cool-awesome self again. 

         Besides that, there's been holes in space-time, irritable raccoons, a time-hopping cuttlefish with a flair for home decor, and a few brain sucking mind flayers who turned out to be damn fine conversationalists. All in all, things have been wild.
      
          In the last couple months, several people have written to me asking when my next installment of Strangeness would be uploaded to the Blogosphere. When it was pointed out that a frakking year had passed since my last upload, I felt I deserved to be kicked really hard in the 'nads for neglecting you all for so long.
 
          I really didn't mean to abandon you guys. Those of you who follow me on this Blog have been the best kind of super-cool-awesome, kick ass people a fun loving wildcard like me could ever want. For my absence, I apologize to you all, and I hope that those of you who have enjoyed my antics & exploits so far will continue to stick with me as we return to our irregularly scheduled Strangeness. 

          Stay tuned, people, everyone's favourite Mad Cheshire is back and the Strangeness is just getting started!

Blog #20: "Ohana" Means "Family"

(WARNING: This is *not* the usual Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy hijinks you may be used to from Cheshire Industries. In fact, the following account may cause you to feel all gloomy. We apologize for this, but are unable to avoid it. However, you may call our Gloomy Eradication Hotline and one of our skilled Evil Minions will happily offer free counseling to help you find your way back to that exquisite state of Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy Yesness that you have come to expect from us.)



Anyone that knows me knows that I identify strongly with many books and movies and things of this Nature, that I find resonance with characters that may go a little (or a LOT!) beyond the conventional fan. Those who really know me, well, they understand why that is. The simplest answer is that, with the difficulties I have with my mind -- specifically my fractured psyche -- I seek fictional character that I can strongly relate to so that I may attempt to understand myself through my identifying with them.

One of favourite characters is Stitch, from Disney's Lilo & Stitch. Without a doubt, Stitch captures so much of the isolation and loneliness that I have dealt with throughout my life. Stitch is the ultimate outsider: a genetic experiment, he is the only one of his kind. He has no family to call his own, he has no place that he can call home because he was never supposed to exist in the first place. He knows he wants to fit in, but hasn't the slightest clue as to how to do it, or even what it means to fit in.

In the last couple weeks, I have had a major crisis in my life that ended with me being thrown out of the family I had thought I would be a part of for the rest of my life. It was messy and painful in a way that I am unable to put words to. I am healing -- it is not in my Nature to wallow for long; there are way too many awesome things to get into to stay depressed for long! -- and I will survive this, as I have survived in the past. However, this incident has brought to mind the many people who have come and gone in my life, especially those who have turned their back and walked away for one reason or another. I think it is time I spoke of them -- here, now.

It is not unusual for people to leave. I accept that as part of the Journey. But it is not in me to enter into friendship (and especially romance) with the idea that it won't work. I do everything 1,000,000,000% or I don't bother. If I don't give my all, then what's the point? So even when things go badly, I hope to remain friends. I always want things to get worked out for the good of everyone. But all too often, when things go badly, people resort to walking away. It's easy, especially when the person you're walking away from is incarcerated and can't do anything about it. When you look at it, it's often easier to walk away than to deal with what is going on and try to make things work. It's easier to quit than compromise, accuse others rather than find fault in yourself, to walk away rather than stay and work at a better tomorrow. Nobody's perfect, especially me, but I like to believe I try even when everyone else has given up.

This recent incident brought back to my mind a scene from Lilo & Stitch that has bearing here. The two of them had had a bad fight. Words were said that hurt feelings on both sides, and in the end, Stitch thought he wasn't wanted anymore. So when he thought Lilo was asleep, he started to climb out of the window. But Lilo wasn't asleep, and she said to him he following:

"If you want to leave, you can.
I'll remember you, though.
I remember everyone that leaves."

What Lilo said encompassed every feeling of loneliness and not being wanted that I have ever felt. What she said strikes a chord deep within me, and it is one of the truest, most relatable statements that I have ever heard.

I have always looked for a family. I have built a family from the people that have come into my life and chosen to be a part of it. That's the only criteria I have ever had for being a part of my family: that you had the desire to be a part of it. It has always been there for the asking, for anyone that wants it.

"Ohana" means "family." "Family" means no one gets left behind, or forgotten.

Those of you who come into my life, for whatever reason, you don't have to stay. I know that, though I always hope that you will. But before you go, I will have usually come to think of you as part of my family, and as myself as part of yours.

When you leave, I will remember you.

I remember everyone that leaves.

Blog #19: Book Review: Swynmoor by Joelle Mellon

I have a lot of free time on my hands, and so I do a lot of reading. Since people who read my site often want to know what I think of things I read, I thought I would start posting my own reviews of books and shows that I see.
For my inaugural review, I have picked a dandy little book called "Swynmoor" by Joelle Mellon. According to the byline, it's the first book in the Highreach series. Personally, I hope that it is successful, because I really liked this book. Any fan of Terry Pratchett or P. D. Wodehouse should definitely pick up a copy!
Okay, so the premise is that this foundling girl, Kerris, goes to Castle Swynmoor to deliver her convent's annual taxes. Among the tithings are a few batches of pickles for which the convent is famous. One of the batches happens to be enchanted because Kerris botched her batch, and to avoid getting in trouble (boy, are nuns mean!), she used magick to make her batch come out right (well, right-ish: the pickles turned sky blue!).

As (terrible) luck would have it, no sooner than she gets to the castle, it gets put under siege by Reynaud the Black and his army of ogres and Fomorians! And if that weren't bad enough, at the same time, the castle's newest (and youngest) earl, Tomlin, is beset upon by his visiting aunt and her pack of yapping ankle biters with the sole and express intention of marrying him off to a hapless young girl who happens to be too tall to interest anyone where she is from!

Caught between a monstrous army at his front door and his formidable aunt in his castle, Lord Tomlin just can't seem to catch a break! All he wants is to get to know the pretty young foundling girl! Then, someone goes and opens the pickles...

I laughed myself silly throughout this book and was sad when it ended. Happily, there is a sequel in the works, so I have high hopes for more hilarious adventures in Highreach! Trust the Mad Cheshire, people, you won't be sorry you read it!

This review has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries' very own A Cell With A View program, and is sponsored by The Mad Cheshire's never ending passion for good books, good shows, and good times. You know--fun, adventure, and really wild things!

STAY TUNED FOR MORE REVIEWS ON WHATEVER I HAPPEN TO DECIDE TO RANT ABOUT NEXT! FEEL FREE TO SEND REVIEW REQUESTS!