Blog #24: A Dubious Honor

Recently I received something in the mail which surprised the ever-loving frak out of me. I have apparently become the recipient of a very prestigious honor from The Gettysburg Foundation: I have been nominated to be featured in their Battlefield Registry, which, according to the letter they wrote me, is "an interactive resource, reserved exclusively for our supporters, that is on display at the Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center."

Hmmm...Okaaaay, interesting. Are they sure they got the right guy?

Included with this letter was a very well made certificate on quality card stock. It featured a very pretty view of what appears to be the old Gettysburg Battlefield and a Civil War-era cannon. The text reads:For outstanding commitment
to celebrating America's heritage
and sharing the lessons in leadership and sacrifice
that history has to offer

Kyle Hulbert

is hereby nominated for special recognition by the
Gettysburg Foundation, and trusted to help sustain vital
efforts to preserve the Gettysburg Battlefield, share this
historic treasure with future generations, and honor
President Lincoln's legacy of leadership in Gettysburg.

Wait a minute, what?!

Clearly, there's been a mistake -- anyone who knows me knows that I'm probably the last person in the world anyone would mistake for being someone who's "committed to America's heritage." And leadership? HA! The last time anyone followed my leadership we all ended up before Magnimar's council of magistrates trying to explain why we thought it was a good idea to crossbreed gremlins with goblins!

(In my defense, it seemed like a really good idea at the time; I just didn't think the city would get so bent out of shape about it!)

So basically, the Gettysburg Foundation has nominated me to give them money and take care of their battlefield. Great! That's only a couple steps away from sticking me up with a musket!

Despite that American History is not something I am terribly impassioned about, I read the rest of the letter The Gettysburg Foundation included with my Official Nomination Certificate, if only for its amusement value. Get this: in return for a "special tax-deductible gift of $35 or more," they will send me a Presidential Challenge Coin embossed with the face of President Lincoln, and I will enjoy the following benefits:
 
     Free admission to the Cyclorama, Film and Museum Experience at the Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center;
    
 A subscription to their quarterly newsletter, which includes special features from the Gettysburg Foundation and the Gettysburg National Military Park, informative historical articles _"and much more";

(Yep, no sales pitch is complete without promising "and much more!")
 
    A 10% discount in the Museum Bookstore;
   
    Discounts at local and national merchants through the Gettysburg Rewards program;
 
    Discounts on public programs and invitations to member-only events; and
    
    Special access to the memers-only section of the Gettysburg Foundation website.

WOW! All that for little ol' me? I feel so special! Oh, wait...
     
     My prison won't allowe me to have the Presidential Challenge Coin;
   
     I cannot go to the Gettysburg National Military Park Museum and Visitor Center, at least not without a whole lot of armed and highly pissed off U.S. Marshals on my ass;
 
     I have no interest in reading their newsletter;
 
     I seriously doubt their Museum Bookstore carries H. P. Lovecraft or Pathfinder books;
 
     The Gettysburg Rewards program is unlikely to support the kinds of merchants I buy from;
 
     Me showing up to their members-only events would be an issue, unless they're going to allow the aforementioned armed and highly pissed off U.S. Marshals to be my plus-ones;
 
    I have no access to their website at all; and
 
    If I had $35 or more that I didn't need to buy Commissary to keep my stomach from eating my spine, I'd either put it towards funding a legal defense to get my cute ass out of here, or I'd give it to the ASPCA. Snow Leopards definitely need my money more than the battlefield!

That said, if they were able to guarantee I could actually participate in all these neat-o perks they're offering me (especially without the risk of getting shot by US Marshals), I'd absolutely join their club. But seriously, they really should have put more thought into their pitch -- it says "RIVER NORTH CORRECTIONAL CENTER" on my address!

The lesson here today, cats & kittens, is that if you're going to try to flatter someone into giving you money, at least offer them something they can actually use. Otherwise, you'll end up being fodder for someone's Blog who has way too much free time on his hands to make fun of you for it!

The preceding message has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries and is sponsored by The Gettysburg Foundation's advertising department, who clearly don't bother reading the addresses they send their panhandling letters to; the obscene amount of boredom I have been suffering lately; and the number 35 Or More. Thank you.

I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!