Blog #26: The Kisses For Hisses Initiative

After being inspired by a particularly daft cat named Psipsini Arkoudaki (see Blog #25: A Story About A Cat), I am hereby launching the Kisses For Hisses Initiative!

Random audience member: "What's that?"

Why, I'm glad you asked! The Kisses For Hisses Initiative is Cheshire Industries' latest innovation in pet care! It's the long overdue "next step" for cat videos, animal-themed memes, and the deluge of photos that have saturated the Internet.

Think about this: how often do you take humiliating photos of your animal companion? How many times have you put sunglasses on your doggy's butt using his tail as a wagging nose? How many absurd hats have you put on your cat? How many times have you gone viral with a video of your cat making a complete jackass of him- or herself? How many times a day do you Tweet about something your animal companion has done, and how often have your friends re-Tweeted your Tweet? And after their photos/Tweets/videos have been posted and lauded by the masses, how often have your animal companions received the adulation they deserve for being the source of our laughter and the sole reason we haven't descended into total anarchy and social collapse?

The answer is: NOT NEARLY ENOUGH!!!

UNACCEPTABLE!!!

The Kisses For Hisses Initiative is the answer! It's simple: when your animal companion has been made the focus of your latest Internet posting, show your undying appreciation by following these easy steps:

1) Pick up your animal companion like you are cradling a baby. Got a Great Dane? No problem! Just lay him on his side!

2) Proceed to kiss, cuddle, rub, and make cutesy baby noises until you animal cannot take the praise any longer. This process should take approximately 3 minutes minimum.

3) Keep your animal from escaping if they struggle or squirm -- that's just them being self-conscious, they'll get over it. They really do Love the attention and just need to put on a display to preserve their image.

4) You'll know that you've done this properly when your animal is growling and hissing and actively attempting to claw out your eyes! At that point you can safely release your animal companion until the next time you need to capture their antics and post them online.

SAFETY TIPS!
1) Don't bother with Kevlar: a cat's claws can rip through twenty layers without much effort. Instead, go for a butcher's chainmail apron.

2) Don't hang your snake companion from your neck when engaging in Kisses For Hisses. We here at Cheshire Industries have learned that snakes usually cut the exercise short when this is done by simply strangling their human. We've lost a few good Evil Minions that way...

3) While birds are usually not the hissing types, it has been observed that they are uncannily agile shots with their squirting bumholes. You'd be surprised at how much distance they can achieve when they're annoyed!

4) Dogs are unusually resistant to Kisses For Hisses; it is suspected they have no self consciousness to concern them selves with and may be the biggest attention whores of all. This matter is being investigated and future reports will be forthcoming.

DISCLAIMER:
Cheshire Industries is not responsible for fleas, worms, or other parasites and/or diseases any human may contract from their animal companion as a result of engaging in the Kisses For Hisses Initiative; nor will Cheshire Industries be liable for any missing eyes, ears, noses, tongues, or other bodily injury sustained during the participation of the same. Finally, Cheshire Industries maintains that if you're silly enough to rub your face in an aggravated cat's belly fur, you deserve what that cat's going to do to you and there is no jury on the planet that will disagree with us.

The proceeding has been brought to you by Cheshire Industries, and is sponsored by a particularly daft cat named Psipsini Arkoudaki, the humiliating animal media saturating the Internet, the desire for animals to get some get-back, and the number of people who are bound to participate in the Kisses For Hisses Initiative. Thank you.

I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!