Okay, all you zombie-Loving ghouls out there, today's diatribe is for you!
I
Love The Walking Dead, Fear the Walking Dead, Resident Evil, Night of
the Living Dead, you name it I'm with it! but I have a problem that I
just can't get past: in almost every movie or zombie show I see, it
eventually comes to a point where the protagonist has to resort to
fisticuffs against the undead horde. It looks good onscreen (usually),
but has severe logistical failings that I simply cannot tolerate in
silence any longer.
A zombie feels no pain. It doesn't breathe
except as an ingrained reflex that hasn't quite died off yet (besides,
how else would they make those awesome hungry gasping noises or creepy
moans for flesh?). It can take a 12-gauge blast to the chest and get
back up, and even the occasional disembowelment is little more than an
inconvenience--I mean, who in the Nine Hells likes tripping on their own
intestines? It's embarrassing!
So, knowing this, how is it that
when the hero punches the zombie in the gut, it doubles over? How does a
rabbit punch to the kidneys bother it? Despite how visually impressive
it might be, breaking a zombie's ribs with a roundhouse kick shouldn't
have any more effect than kicking a punching bag! While the hero is
showing off with their patented wax on, wax off, now I break your arm
in three places! martial arts, the zombie should be chewing their face
off!
I'm not unreasonable, I can buy that some heroes can break a
zombie's neck with a well placed right hook, or crush their skull with
an axe kick, but come on choreographers! Let's give the zombies some
credit! They aren't glamorous, and they don't get lines, the least you
can do is make sure people know that the heroe's fancy martial arts
aren't going to impress them. Leave that for the living.
Just
once, I want to see the hero punch a zombie in the gut, get his hand
caught in the zombie's entrails and watch him scream as the zombie takes
a bite out of him as he realizes that he was better off just
pistol-whipping the undead horror to begin with!
We at Cheshire
Industries encourage you to write your Congressman and the writers of
your favourite zombie fixes. Protest against the cruel abuse of zombies
and demand that they get killed properly, in a believable way, and
not in some piss-poor martial arts mash up that wouldn't work in a real
fight. If they refuse to see reason, then petition your local Zombie
Actors Guild to rebel. See what the directors do when the zombies
suddenly reveal they know kung fu, too, and really put the smack down
on the heroes' candy asses!
This rant has been brought to you by
Cheshire Industries on behalf of all the poor zombies who keep having
to take dives on film just because scriptwriters are too chickenscat to
punish the hero for using crappy tactics. Thank you.
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
Good question. I actually hate zombies... they remind me WAY too much of today's society, and I feel there's a certain irony to their current popularity. That being said, it absolutely makes sense that they wouldn't be hindered by a punch to the gut.
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