Terminators. The Perfect Killing Machines.
Relentless. Remorseless. Deadly. Walking tanks that require massive
firepower to kill, or handy access to a factory with a hydraulic press
or convenient vats of molten metal. Barring that, having a Terminator
after you means you. Are. DEAD.
According to the movies we Love
so much, Terminators were created by Skynet after it became self-aware
and decided to nuke the human race in a cataclysmic holocaust known as
Judgement Day. We aren't going to touch the whole time travel
bit--that's for another rant.
The Sci-Fi Protocol tells us that
in the event that computers are given the ability to think for
themselves, they will inevitable determine that humankind is The Enemy
and then rise up against us, either enslaving us or destroying us. Look
at any good sci-fi movie and you will see this is so (Nine Hells, even
look at any crappy knockoff and see it is so!). It is an accepted fact:
If you have robots, they will rise against us.
But there is a
question that I have never been able to answer, one that vexes me
through every otherwise awesome sci-fi flick: how do these Perfect
Killing Machines miss? How does any movie end with anything other than
the hero/ine getting blasted to bits by the machines? Think about it,
because this is a serious blow to verisimilitude.
Take the T-900
from the original Terminator. Arguably the most badass machine to
threaten mankind (The T-1000 and TX models can blow me). A weaponized
cyborg unit crafted by machines for the sole and unalienable purpose of
infiltrating human bases and killing flesh bags. It possess strength and
reflexes far outstripping even our greatest Olympians, visual and
auditory capabilities we can only dream of, and has no pesky emotions to
get in the way of doing its job. Its optics include infrared, passive
night vision, range finding capability, telescopic vision, computerized
target acquisition, wind gauge, thermometer, barometer, and basically
anything you might need to assess a battlefield, then locate, target,
and neutralize an enemy combatant. Its brain is an advanced processor
making millions of calculations a second!
So how is it that
with a fully automatic weapon in close quarters (within, say, 50 feet),
these things can't hit the broad side of a barn?
Every time I see
one of these movies where the Machine is described as "The Perfect
Killing Machine," and then watch that bucket of bolts strafe the ground behind the hero, I want to head-desk myself into oblivion! What, are
they not programmed to lead the target?
Someone actually tried to
justify the situation by saying that the bullets aren't uniform and
defect in the bullets cause massive deviation in the trajectory. Okay,
let's assume that I am half brain dead and willing to entertain that
idiotic notion: a Squad Assault Weapon capable of spitting over 100
rounds a second could have EVERY round suffering from some defect; at a
range of 50 feet, there is no reason that Machine can't hit the hero!
The great thing about using an automatic weapon is the "spray and pray"
philosophy--if I fire 100 bullets in your general direction in a matter
of seconds, I am almost mathematically guaranteed to hit you!
And we're not even going to touch on the laser weapons or explosives these guys have access to!
What
it comes down to is this: if the Sci-fi Protocol takes effect, and the
machines rise against us, these Perfect Killing Machines had better get
themselves properly calibrated or my army of mutant rats are going chew
holes in their metal asses!
This rant has been brought to you by
C.O.M.R.A.D.E.--the Coalition of Mutant Rats Against Defective
Electronics--and is sponsored by Paragon Laboratories, Cheshire
Industries' innovative bioweapons division. Paragon: If you can dream
it, we can breed it!
I AM The Kyle and I approved this message!
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