Blog #34: Review of Captain Marvel

 First of all, I LOVE the way they changed the opening logo to showcase all of Stan Lee's cameos in all the MCU movies. What a great sendoff to the greatest storyteller of all time.

This movie is a much-needed shout-out to girl power. While most females included in comic book movies are relegated to glorified sidekicks, damsels in distress and/or nursemaids to their male counterparts, Carol Danvers shoves guys into the back seat and tells them to sit down, strap in, and shut up! She makes it abundantly clear throughout the movie that she doesn't need saving and, let's be honest here -- she's right! From her unrelenting questioning (or outright ignoring) of any form of authority to her saving the future badass Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. himself (multiple times!), Brie Larson throws typical tropes on their heads and then kicks them out the airlock! This movie makes it clear that, if not for her, there would have been neither a Nick Fury or an Avengers Initiative as we have come to know and Love them.

So, this movie is your typical origin story. Brie Larson plays "Vers," an amnesiac soldier in the Kree Star Force. She's got powers that she doesn't quite understand, apparently obtained in the dim past she cannot remember. Sent on a mission to locate an undercover agent, she's taken captive by the Skrull and has her brain pumped for information on a one Dr. Wendy Lawson and something called "Pegasus." She breaks loose, kicks a lot of Skrull ass and ends up crashlanding on Planet C-53 (90's-era Earth, 1995 to be exact) where she tries to find a way to stop the Skrull from getting their hands on light speed technology that would allow them to invade entire galaxies. Hijinks ensue, betrayals are discovered, and Vers comes into her own, ending the movie fully embracing her destiny as one of the most powerful beings in the Universe, destined to bitchslap Thanos a few good times before the end of End Game.

Personally, I think Brie Larson was born for this role. She is eminently believable as a badass, exudes a charismatic confidence and sly humour not often seen in female leads, and manages to pull off the difficult task of being cheeky without seeming to even try.

In this movie, we get to see a young Nick Fury in his earlier years as an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D., still with both his eyes. There are a couple nice "gotcha" moments where you expect him to have lost his eye, only for it not to have happened. I especially liked the way he dropped his hardass persona in the presence of Goose the cat. It's a nice, unexpected dimension of character for Nick Fury and Samuel L. Jackson.

We also get a nice look at Agent Colson with hair! Yeah!

Goose the..."cat" is an amazing addition to the movie. What his purpose is and how or why he does what he does is a mystery, but damn! I Love that cat! Flurkin power!

Some of the best scenes in this movie include:

1) Vers escaping the Skrull. This fight makes it perfectly clear that Vers is a legitimate badass. I mean, she beats the crap out of how many Skrull while whipping off one-liners, all while barefoot? (The answer is 20!) And to top it off, she then goes back to get her boots before blowing up the ship! And this is all with her hands encased in metal cylinders!

(I bet the Skrull rethought their restraint designs after that encounter!)

2) The Metro train fight scene. Note to regular people: if a woman dressed for Laser Tag hooks off on a sixty-year old woman and that old biddy responds by hopping out of her seat and dropkicking her attacker, I suggest letting this one play out, and *not* jumping to the defense of the old lady who clearly has something else going on.

3) Interrogating Nick Fury. C'mon, finding out that his first pet's name was Mr. Snoofles? Awesome! And her proof that she's not Skrull?

Vers: "That was a photon blast."
Fury: "So?"
Vers: "So, Skrull can't do that!" she says, looking at him like that should be common knowledge for any Terran.

4) Vers in a Guns N' Roses t-shirt, singing Lita Ford's Kiss Me Deadly. What?! I'm an 80's kid and that was hot!

5) Goose going full Flurkin on the Kree!

6) Vers versus The Supreme Intelligence.

Vers: "I've been fighting with one hand behind my back; but what happens when I'm finally set free?"

The answer, we quickly find out, is she kicks EVERYONE'S ass!

7) Carol Danvers forsaking the classic trope of goings hands up with her former commanding officer-turned nemesis in their final fight and simply blowing him away! After all, she's got nothing to prove to him.

8) The reveal on how Nick Fury got his eyepatch: "Mother Flurkin!"

9) Whooping Kree ass to No Doubt's "I'm Just a Girl."

10) Goose hocking up the Tesseract.

On the Cheshire Scale, I give this movie 4 Grins!

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Blog #33: Review of the Live-Action Lion King

There is a reason that a saying exists that says, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

The reason, it turns out, is that if you try to fix something that ain't broke, chances are you're going to break it.

Case in point, the live-action remake of  The Lion King.

It's not often that Disney calls it in, but dammit, why did they have to do it to The Lion King?!?! I grew up on that movie! I saw it in the theater with my Grandparents! It was one of the few shining spots in my childhood!

Now, before you try to say that I'm doing to this remake what so many did to the Ghostbusters remake (which I have not yet seen), I will tell you that my stance is not based on this not being as good as the original.

At least, not solely.

Since I am perfectly able to compartmentalize, I am first going to rip into this movie as it stands, and then in comparison to the original. And yes, Cats & Kittens, I am  going to eviscerate this movie -- rain ponchos and face shields are recommended for those in the first three rows.

The fact is, separated from the original, this movie does not stand up to scrutiny. Scar was not sinister in any way, shape, or form; in fact, I felt sorry for him -- the poor guy looked like an underfed housecat with mange. Seriously, people: how is it that Simba as a cub looked like he was one good roar away from punking his Uncle Scar down?

The hyenas were supposed to be this fearsome, terrible plague of the Pridelands. But they gave me the impression that if I pulled out my laser pointer I could keep the whole pack busy for hours!

I do, however, want to applaud Shenzi, the leader of said imbecilic hyena pack, for being ten times as sinister as Scar. Let's hear it for sidekicks that upstage their so-called superiors a la' Starscream! (DISCLAIMER: cartoon Starscream, not the movie Starscream)

If I had watched this movie without ever having seen the original, I would not have sat through it, and I spend most of my day in a cell! Disney might have paid out the ass to recruit an all-star cast, but the dialogue that they added in was unnecessary crap, the villains were about as sinister as a bowl of milk, and the songs were not the caliber we have come to expect from Disney.

And now that you think you're desensitized to the violence of my vitriol, let's compare this shitstorm to the original! Buzzsaws at the ready!

Admittedly, the first parts of the movie were more or less shot for shot the original. I could even stomach their rendition of _"I Just Can't Wait to be King,"_ because all the bright colours flashing across the screen kept me distracted. But starting with the introduction of the hyenas, the movie started to crumble. Once Simba fled the Pridelands, I would have rather been downwind of Pumba.

Starting with the hyenas, what the frak happened to Ed?! I Loved that idiot! Now, not only did they give him lines (which he didn't need -- he spoke volumes just by laughing!), but his schtick is a lack of respect for personal space? That's barely cringe worthy, and for all the wrong reasons.

When the original Lion King came out, Scar immediately became the rock star of villains. His song, "Be Prepared" was *THE* villain anthem of its time! But this live-action version? C'mon, Disney, you could have at  least gotten someone who could actually sing!

Jeremy Irons, man, I'm so sorry they did this to your character.

Rafiki. Ye Gods, Disney, what did you  do to him? You tried to redeem him in the end when he brought out his staff to the big fight, but let's not kid ourselves: slapping a staff on the ground is not gonna top Monkey-style Kung Fu! It was Rafiki's borderline "Old Man of The Mountain" madness that made him so iconic and endearing. Watering him down like this just makes me want to cry.

Several of the changes Disney made only served to rob the would-be hero of his glory. Instead of Simba crossing the desert by himself, running toward his destiny and coming into his own (a necessary part of "The Hero's Journey"), he is accompanied by Nala. It robbed him of gravitas. Don't believe me? Go back and watch the original and tell me which scene gets your heart beating more. And, instead of Simba forcing Scar to admit to his treachery and malfeasance before the entire pride, it's Simba's mother who catches Scar in his lies and exposes him, which completely robbed Simba of his moment to both vindicate himself and prove his dominance and right to rule.

I get that Disney figured that since they were already paying Beyonce to "act" (and I use that term very loosely), they'd also get her to sing, but none of  The Lion King's songs, ESPECIALLY* Elton John's Can You Feel The Love Tonight needed the "Beyonce Treatment."

Beyonce may "run the world" but her atrocious acting did more damage to the Pridelands than all the hyenas put together.

All that said, I admit: there were a few high points in this movie. Not many, but they kept me from putting my size 11-1/2 foot through the television. Getting an extended version of The Lion Sleeps Tonight from Timon, Pumba, and friends was nice; and the no-warning blitz from Nala was hilarious! And though I would have preferred Timon's iconic grass skirt hula dance to entice the hyenas, the nod to Beauty & The Beast was a nice touch.

And let's not ignore the fact that they did give Zazu an upgrade in testicular fortitude: that little hornbill took it to the hyenas! I cheered for him!

James Earl Jones, you are a God, now and always. I'm glad they didn't make the mistake of trying to replace you in this trainwreck. I hate that they minimalized your heart-to-heart with Simba at the pool, and I wish they'd at least have gotten that right. But even a little of you is better than them trying to fill your shoes with some half-ass wannabe. 

Give this pitiful remake of a legendary film one star, and only that much because Nala's surprise attack on Pumba made me laugh. I strongly suggest avoiding this movie and sticking with the animated version. You'll be happier.

The preceding has been a movie review by CineMadness -- a brand-spanking new branch of Cheshire Industries composed of both Yours Madly, and a crackerjack team of Minion cinema buffs led by Minion # 33-⅓, codenamed "Buddhameister-Meisterbuddha." Minion #33-⅓ has asked that I report that he has disavowed any connection to my "reckless" comments regarding Beyonce, her terrible acting, and the atrocity that was her musical "contribution" to an already terrible movie. He reportedly fears the retributive sting of some entity that he refers to only as "The Bee Swarm." While he may be a pansy, his cinematic knowhow makes him worth keeping around and I will therefore honor his request. I, however, stand by all that I have said, and I have an endless supply of Raid. Bring it.

{MINION 33-⅓'s NOTE: I am *not* a pansy; I am allergic to bee stings and I don't have an Epi-pen.}