Blog 32: Holy Frak! I've been cloned!

As you all may know, I was recently kidnapped (don't look at me like that, she had Skittles and Slurpees!) who took me to an undisclosed location and performed all manner of tortures upon my poor self, up to and including locking me in a room with absolutely nothing to do. The horror! The sadism! The sheer diabolic evil!

Ahem.
So, after my spectacular escape and subsequent return to this dimension, I put a tremendous amount of effort into discovering who this woman is and why she kidnapped my super-cool-awesome self. I must admit that I failed. I was unable to discover this beguiling femme fatale's identity. It chafes my 'nads that this is so, but I am willing to admit when I am bested.

However! All is not lost! I may have failed in my search, but I have an uncountable army of Minions who are eager to fulfill my every whim! One of them, Minion #237, code-named Krylane, recently presented me with an image that startled me to my core -- the spitting image of my own adorable self taken straight from the digital world! After some quick follow-up research, I learned that the image came from an apparently famous game called "Animal Crossing." It turns out that all those electrodes she hooked up to me were to brain-scan me! The witchy temptress cloned me and stuck me in a videogame!

If you wish to see this, look for the character that shares my name -- you can't miss me! Wolfish good looks, leather jacket, Alpha mentality -- you'll recognize me as soon as you see me.

I understand that you will need some background information about your favourite Evil Genius so you'll understand the gravity of the situation we now find ourselves in. Thus, as always, your Mad Cheshire is happy to present my Strangers with a history lesson!

In 1376ce, an unprecedented meeting of the greatest superpowers of the world -- Good Guys and Bad Guys both -- came together to determine the fate of the world. In what would come to be known as The World's Fate Treatise, it was acknowledged as fact by both sides that there will always be Evil Geniuses, Supervillains, and various Nogood'niks who will always seek to rule the world, take cities hostage, steal everyone's left sock, or otherwise get up to all manner of hijinks just for shits & giggles. Likewise, there will always be Superheroes, Do-gooders, and Various Busybodies who will oppose them and seek to ruin their fun. This constant bid for power was termed "The Game." After much posturing, arguing, and threats of unmitigated destruction on both sides, everyone agreed that The Game must always remain fair -- mainly so that when one side ultimately wins, the other side can't assign an asterisk to the victory and cheapen it with their pettiness.

(Example: "Oh boo hoo! You only rule the world because you set off a MegaNuke that nobody even knew you had! Waaaahh")

Like any super powerful entity intent on achieving victory, everybody wants their victory to be absolute and above contestation. So rules were set in place. In exchange for keeping The Game fair, the other side will accept the victory of their opponent. Unfair use of power would be an acknowledgement of both fear and capitulation to the side such force was used against.

Get it? Got it? Good! Now you've learned something!

Fast forward to today. I have never made any secret about my designs on this wonderful word of ours -- I will accept nothing less than total world domination! I am utterly confident that the world will be a much better place to live in once everyone realizes that I have the right idea and just does as I say. Simply put, I will outlaw all the bad stuff and make sure everyone is happy. It's really not that complicated, people. But now is not the time for my manifesto.

The Worldwide Alliance of Superheroes is well aware of my designs, and they are well aware that I am more than capable of achieving my goals. In accordance with The World's Fate Treatise, they can't upend the gameboard we are playing by, say, nuking the general location they know I am in. Likewise, for them to simply put a bullet in my head just because they know I intend to take over the world would be the same as admitting they know I would succeed and admitting defeat, which would mean I win!

For me to keep up my part of the Treatise, it has been ruled that I am not allowed to clone myself in any way, shape, or form. Me having twice as much brainpower (or more) at my disposal would be considered an unfair use of my power.

You can see now my dilemma. As David Wong has said before, you need to understand that none of this is my fault! Nintendo cloned me against my will! I disavow any part of their cloning me -- I don't think they even know how dangerous it is to have a digital copy of my mind running loose in the Internet!

So, you busybody chowder heads, you want to wipe out my bastard clone, go ahead -- make my millennium. But I'd be careful if I were you: if you miss, you'll have a pissed off part of my mind with nothing to lose and out for revenge to deal with. You think _Ultron_ was bad? You ain't seen nothing yet! Alpha!

BLOG 31: Abducted!

 Okay, is this the right dimension? Did I get it right this time? Ye Gods, if I ended up in another universe run by idiots with their finger hovering over the Nuke'Em'All Button just begging for an excuse...what's that? AGAIN?! Then get me the frak out of here! Wait -- What? This one still has Rocky Road?

...

...Okay then. I'll stick around. For now.

Okay, Cats & Kittens, I know I've been MIA -- my Minions say it's been over a year since last I gave you a booster shot of Strangeness; but like David Wong said, it's very important you understand that none of this was my fault. Don't you worry, though: what I have to tell you will more than make up for the absence, and I've got plenty more to come!

So! About where I've been: You know how when you were younger your parents told you never to accept candy from strangers or get into a car with one? Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhh...turns out that the same goes for when a super cute Japanese girl invites you into her Ferrari for a joyride complete with Skittles and Slurpees -- trust me, it's a trap!

Turns out said hottie had access to some serious pharmaceutical-grade knockout drugs. If not for my lifelong involuntary inoculation of various psychotropics that have helped me build a resistance to such things, it would've put me out like a light! I'll give her credit, though: when whatever she put in the Slurpee didn't do the trick, her knife-edge chop to my throat followed by her right cross certainly did!

When I woke up, I was in a sterile white room, strapped to a table with all kinds of neat wires and electrodes hooked up to my head. I would like to tell you this was the first time I've been in that kind of situation, but, of the many things you can describe me as, a liar is not one of them.

What followed was an interminable period of painful, mindwracking torture the likes of which defy the vernacular conventions to describe. By the time that Japanese hottie came in with her team of scientists, I was ready to give her the codes to my best Doomsday device if she would just read me the owner's manual to her iPhone!

{Minion's note: What Master Cheshire is saying here is that he was left in a room all by himself with nobody to talk to and nothing to do. According to our biometric tracking data, the "interminable" period of time between Master Cheshire's regaining consciousness and becoming aroused at the site of his admittedly bewitching captor was approximately 5 minutes, 21 seconds}

I could fill the rest of this with the hours of excruciating, deeply penetrating violations of my brain and privacy that occurred as my cruel captor funneled my brainscan into her computer while explaining what delightful plans she had for the world using my extremely potent and chaotic intellect (Oh Gods, I just realized she was monologuing! She's a Supervillain too!) but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm just going to skip to the part where I managed to escape because my loyal Minions showed up Rambo-style and threw a Quantum Grenade into the room. By a weird quirk of metaphysics and my own SEP field, I ended up shunted into another dimension, and have been trying to get back for the last several months.

You know that crap in movies where they go on a kickass time traveling alternate reality adventure and finally return to their own timeline/universe to find no time has passed in their own timeline?

Absolute bullshit.